After posting 106 Facebook Notes in the past 14 years, I recently realised that the Notes function has been disabled. Of course I freaked out, panicked and maybe a tear or two was shed.
It's been my ritual every single year since 2007 to write a Note reflecting on the year that had passed. Not only that, I've written notes during some of the most important moments of my life (during my pregnancy, when my sister died, during various highs and lows of my 20's and 30's). This Notes function has been my lifeline in a big way, not only that... I always thought that one day I'd compile all the notes into a book. Something about FB notes has always left me feeling like I was recording an important moment (day / hour / second) in history. I may forget what it felt like a year later, but in that moment, I always had to honour the truth of that one second.
So, here I am, getting ready to post (albeit a late post of) a reflection on my 2020. I go to where I usually go, look for the Notes button... and it's not there. A similar kind of panic rushed over me as the one I felt recently when I was convinced I had COVID. From the fever, to the sweating and difficulty breathing, I really thought I might actually be dying.
As shallow as it might seem, (when I thought I had COVID) I really thought that if I have a week or two left to live, can my books be made public. I just did the calculation now, and if I dropped dead today, there would be 10 books that I've written (12 if you include the Coffee Table Book I did years ago and also a compilation of my 106 FB notes). It wouldn't be about fame, or awards, just paying homage to the fact that writing was my greatest love and I dedicated my life to it. I imagine very few people having any interest in my work, but my son one day growing up and wanting to know what occupied the mind/heart/soul of the woman who gave birth to him. So, if for no one else, I want my writing to outlive me.
But my notes have not always been about leaving a legacy, I've always believed that leaders are readers, but even more importantly, leaders reflect. You can't just exist from day to day without taking stock of where you've been or where you're going. So, since 2007, I've always reflected on the year I had previously.
So, for anyone who might be wondering how I know that I've written 106 notes, it's because just tonight, I went online to find out what Facebook has done with our Notes and how we can recover them. Having received the tutorial on how to recover notes, I counted them all. 106. 106 times when I poured out my heart and soul on this app, in the Notes.
But the point of this whole exercise was to reflect on 2020. One of the happiest years of my life. I've been reciting what I'll write for weeks now, and it's actually quite simple.
For me, 2020 was unyaka ka Jobe. UJobe walahlekelwa yikho konke, up to a point where his wife said: "Thuka uNkulunkulu, ufe." I know that feeling, I know how it is to lose it all in the eyes of the world, and to be left destitute. But onyakeni ka Jobe, it was all restored 7 x over. My sanity, my spirituality, my career, my relationships, my art. It was all brought back 7 fold ngonyaka ka Jobe. Ngesikhathi umhlaba wonke ulila, I felt the warm embrace of God surrounding me more than it ever had before. 2020 restored my faith in family, in friendship and in myself.
The hardest part of my own journey has been in those moments when things were going badly and the voices inside my head told me "you deserve it, in fact, you deserve worse." So, when 2020 came around, I wasn't expecting more than 'my share of suffering' let alone the amazing grace that came with 2020.
I'd say the highlights definitely included the restoration of my relationship with my mom, endless quality time with my son because of lockdown and just getting back into the game (nje). Of course 26 July 2020 will go down in the history books as a special day, kodwa I feel that other events in 2020 outshine it. Particularly Christmas Day. I have always resented Christmas since 2007, but on this particular Christmas day, the memory of 2007 only hit me late at night. I spent the day being happy, cooking for my family and spending the afternoon with my dad, it was the most perfect day.
So, here I am. No longer able to post a Note to reflect on the past year, but I'm still so deeply grateful. Grateful for life, for family, for my beautiful husband and our amazing son. I'm grateful that uma umhlabeleli uthi "ngimuthanda ngob' inceba zakhe zimi ngunaphakade" I can bear testimony to that. God's promises endureth forever.
I've already resigned myself to the fact that 2021 may be a tough year, and that's okay. If there's one thing my dad taught me in the last 2 years is that, life isn't meant to be perfect everyday. The tough times make you more appreciative of the good.
Covid is here. Our loved ones are vulnerable, we are vulnerable. But that doesn't mean we can't rejoice in the beauty and majesty of the God we serve.
Esimkhonzayo siyamazi.
It's been my ritual every single year since 2007 to write a Note reflecting on the year that had passed. Not only that, I've written notes during some of the most important moments of my life (during my pregnancy, when my sister died, during various highs and lows of my 20's and 30's). This Notes function has been my lifeline in a big way, not only that... I always thought that one day I'd compile all the notes into a book. Something about FB notes has always left me feeling like I was recording an important moment (day / hour / second) in history. I may forget what it felt like a year later, but in that moment, I always had to honour the truth of that one second.
So, here I am, getting ready to post (albeit a late post of) a reflection on my 2020. I go to where I usually go, look for the Notes button... and it's not there. A similar kind of panic rushed over me as the one I felt recently when I was convinced I had COVID. From the fever, to the sweating and difficulty breathing, I really thought I might actually be dying.
As shallow as it might seem, (when I thought I had COVID) I really thought that if I have a week or two left to live, can my books be made public. I just did the calculation now, and if I dropped dead today, there would be 10 books that I've written (12 if you include the Coffee Table Book I did years ago and also a compilation of my 106 FB notes). It wouldn't be about fame, or awards, just paying homage to the fact that writing was my greatest love and I dedicated my life to it. I imagine very few people having any interest in my work, but my son one day growing up and wanting to know what occupied the mind/heart/soul of the woman who gave birth to him. So, if for no one else, I want my writing to outlive me.
But my notes have not always been about leaving a legacy, I've always believed that leaders are readers, but even more importantly, leaders reflect. You can't just exist from day to day without taking stock of where you've been or where you're going. So, since 2007, I've always reflected on the year I had previously.
So, for anyone who might be wondering how I know that I've written 106 notes, it's because just tonight, I went online to find out what Facebook has done with our Notes and how we can recover them. Having received the tutorial on how to recover notes, I counted them all. 106. 106 times when I poured out my heart and soul on this app, in the Notes.
But the point of this whole exercise was to reflect on 2020. One of the happiest years of my life. I've been reciting what I'll write for weeks now, and it's actually quite simple.
For me, 2020 was unyaka ka Jobe. UJobe walahlekelwa yikho konke, up to a point where his wife said: "Thuka uNkulunkulu, ufe." I know that feeling, I know how it is to lose it all in the eyes of the world, and to be left destitute. But onyakeni ka Jobe, it was all restored 7 x over. My sanity, my spirituality, my career, my relationships, my art. It was all brought back 7 fold ngonyaka ka Jobe. Ngesikhathi umhlaba wonke ulila, I felt the warm embrace of God surrounding me more than it ever had before. 2020 restored my faith in family, in friendship and in myself.
The hardest part of my own journey has been in those moments when things were going badly and the voices inside my head told me "you deserve it, in fact, you deserve worse." So, when 2020 came around, I wasn't expecting more than 'my share of suffering' let alone the amazing grace that came with 2020.
I'd say the highlights definitely included the restoration of my relationship with my mom, endless quality time with my son because of lockdown and just getting back into the game (nje). Of course 26 July 2020 will go down in the history books as a special day, kodwa I feel that other events in 2020 outshine it. Particularly Christmas Day. I have always resented Christmas since 2007, but on this particular Christmas day, the memory of 2007 only hit me late at night. I spent the day being happy, cooking for my family and spending the afternoon with my dad, it was the most perfect day.
So, here I am. No longer able to post a Note to reflect on the past year, but I'm still so deeply grateful. Grateful for life, for family, for my beautiful husband and our amazing son. I'm grateful that uma umhlabeleli uthi "ngimuthanda ngob' inceba zakhe zimi ngunaphakade" I can bear testimony to that. God's promises endureth forever.
I've already resigned myself to the fact that 2021 may be a tough year, and that's okay. If there's one thing my dad taught me in the last 2 years is that, life isn't meant to be perfect everyday. The tough times make you more appreciative of the good.
Covid is here. Our loved ones are vulnerable, we are vulnerable. But that doesn't mean we can't rejoice in the beauty and majesty of the God we serve.
Esimkhonzayo siyamazi.
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