If I could write me a letter, this is what it might say...
Dear MaDlamini, Unjani Nkosazane? I think I’m worried about you, I don’t know why really. But allow me the space to express this. I’m worried about you. You’ve spent your whole life excelling. Being the best daughter, student, friend, writer, lover and everything the world needed you to be. That’s good, I admire it and it makes you who you are. But with all that, I’m worried about you.
When was the last time you felt happy? When was the last time you didn’t feel afraid? When was the last time you didn’t feel like a bad person?
I’ve known and loved you for as long as you can remember. But today, I’m worried about you.
You can’t unscramble a scrambled egg, no matter how hard you try. There’s so much that I wish I could say to you, but am afraid it would all be empty words that you’ve heard before. Some of the things I wish I could say are:
- You’re beautiful, yes you are.
- You are not other people’s opinion of yourself.
- Only the good die young, you’re not going anywhere.
- You’ve seen it, so why are you doubting it?
- You can’t save the world from itself, all that is meant to happen will happen.
- Listen to your dreams.
- Time-travel is not a luxury you have available to you, stop trying to re-wish the past.
- Celebrate you.
- Don’t get complacent, laziness will never serve you.
10. Feel, yes feel. It’s what you were meant to do. Feel.
11. I love you, please believe that. I love you.
12. God is real, I was there in Botswana & on Christmas day. He was real then and always will be.
13. You’re not invisible, you’re not untouchable and you’re definitely not unlovable.
The fear and the guilt are consuming you, that’s why I’m worried about you. You’re not a bad person, but you’ve made bad and permanent choices. You cannot unscramble a scrambled egg. Giving up is not a choice, but punishing yourself forever is also not the only choice. You’ve made it through so much worse,
When you don’t know what to do, you flip back into the history books to the last thing that you remember which made sense. Finding comfort in that is not healthy. Some parts of your history were there to teach you a lesson, but not meant to be a permanent part of your future. Let him go.
You’re not crazy, you’ve never been crazy and you never will be crazy. Stop acting like less than you are.
You don’t get to be excused from the realities of life. Life is a lot of hard work, the magical moments are a bonus, get used to that. Stop fearing that it’s going to break you, it won’t.
Forgive her, she just didn’t know what to do. Forgive him, he was in a bad place. Forgive yourself, you were just a child, you still are.
He cannot save you, don’t put too much pressure on him or set yourself up for disappointment.
Life’s journey doesn’t always have to have victims. Stop expecting the worst!
This is just a season. You need it. Learn from it and grow from it. Trust the process.
You’re going to be okay, trust that and believe in the strength in you, in your own goodness and in Him.
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