I have this girl-friend and at some point during this weekend we were chatting about cheating. For those who’ve done it, there’s always some good reason why you did it, (I was drunk, we haven’t agreed to be exclusive, we had a fight and I needed comforting, we’re not married so he doesn’t own me… etc.). But what is cheating really? Is it okay only when guys do it? Do women make it easier for men to cheat? Are cheaters bad people? Does cheating mean you don’t really love the one you’re with? Is there a type that’s acceptable, and does there need to be a clause when you’re dating that says: Now we’re official, keep your hands off other boys (Sorry, men)?
For most women who’ve been cheated on, I guess you tend to feel like you weren’t enough, you didn’t do enough and he had to go elsewhere. But since I heard that even Halle Berry’s been cheated on, I’ve realised that it’s not all about your short-comings as a woman, men cheat because they want to and as my all-time favourite book states: ‘It’s a question of integrity.’
Back to the friend, we all have our personal set of morals that we abide by and for them it’s always been that they will never cheat. Unfortunately life happened and they cheated, the funny thing is that now they rationalise it by saying that: ‘There’s different types of cheating and mine wasn’t that bad’. We all do that, as a God-fearing Christian I never believed in sex before marriage, now I don’t believe in ‘casual’ sex (kinda rewrote the rules as I broke them, it’s human don’t judge me).
My point then is what constitutes cheating? I’ve heard that there’s 3 different types.
1) Physical but not emotional, a guy meets up with a girl at a club, has a one night stand and then goes back to his woman. Standard justification: ‘It was just sex, she didn’t mean anything to me.’
2) Emotional but not physical. Guy has a crush on a woman but doesn’t act on it. ‘I feel her, but can’t act on it because I’ve got someone.’
3) Physical and emotional. He’s got another girlfriend and he’s in love with her as well. ‘I’m in love with both of you and I don’t want to lose either of you!’
Anyways in my world, I might be able to forgive the first two but the 3rd one is definitely a deal breaker, you can’t have your cake and eat it (Well, not mine at least).
But from the cheaters perspective, are all cheaters bad people or is it just human? If you consider that cheating isn’t usually done in a vindictive manner, but more as a fun game that gives people a rush and provides relief from the boredom of relationships, I don’t think that cheaters are bad people, but for someone who’s been on the receiving end, it’s painful.
I’d like to think that I’m a ‘good girl’, but I can be honest and say that I’ve cheated and it wasn’t pretty. There’s the excitement that comes with it and the feeling that you’re quite the ‘player-ess’ but ultimately hurting someone you care about is inevitable and you feel terrible for having done it.
Some men pride themselves on being able to juggle 5 or 6 women, for some women it’s about different people who fulfil different roles (minister of finance, good in bed, good company etc.), but in all honesty I think that cheating is based on insecurity and needing other people to validate you (not that I have a PhD in Psychology or anything).
I’ve come across a lot of guys who value their independence and don’t want to feel owned. They’re young, successful and have the world at their feet. So why should they limit themselves to just the one person and miss out on all the fun that’s to be had out there? Some of my guy friends go as far as telling the women they cheat with: ‘I’ve got a woman, and I won’t leave her for you’. Unfortunately as girls we allow this sort of thing to happen, and some men do believe that the enablers for cheating are women, they know you’re taken but they’re willing to be the ‘side piece’.
Most of us have come to believe that if it’s a man, it cheats!’ If he knows he can get away with it, he will do it. The Zulu woman thing is that: ‘I don’t need you to be faithful (and we wonder how Aids spreads) but I do need you to respect me. If you’re going to cheat, make sure I don’t find out and let the side-pieces know that I’m the queen of this castle.’
Personally, I’m not one to judge (people in glass houses…). But I’ve got friends who adore their partners and are secure enough to not require the validation that most cheaters are after. There will always be temptation, but if what you have is real, you would never jeopardise it by cheating on the one you love.
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