See beyond the poet in me...

Poets make mediocre sunsets, seem magical
Poets write flowery words, invent bull-shit fairy-tales,
Poets. Liars, living in a world of fantasy, refusing to grow the f*** up.

They sleep with dictionaries under their pillows,
Use similes, synonyms, metaphors all those deep things,
To lie, seduce, manipulate and did I mention, lie?

If it be a crime for me to have written a thousand poems before this one,
Guilty I am. I am all of those superficial things poets are,
But right or wrong, I love you.

I'm sorry, I'm not who I'm not.
I'm sorry for believing in magic,
For being an inconvenient reality,

But after all is said and done,
Mine is a heart that lives it's truth.
Mine is a life based on never shying away,
Never denying what is, just because it's not pretty...

Loving you makes me weak, and as unsexy as it is, *a girl*
Makes me what most people don't think I am: Human
But at my most human, a poet I am. A girl I am.

Someone who loves you... I am.
 

Chaos is a Ladder

 
About a month ago I updated about a prisoner who had called me at work and was making unwelcome advances. At the time, it seemed harmless and I found it almost funny. Yet in my spirit, I was shaken. Fast-forward a couple of weeks and I was literally having anxiety attacks without knowing the reason.

Something was just not right. For those who've read my notes before, the next couple of paragraphs may seem unrelated, but there is a common thread. One that I will do my best to explain,

During the unsettled space, I just couldn't quite put my finger on what it is that was wrong. I looked at my life, examined my world and questioned a lot about a lot. In an irrational and fearful place I made some *radical* decisions. Decisions which, I will fully own and take responsibility for. Even the one where I almost got fired from my job,

As a side note, at the beginning of the year I only had one New Years resolution: In 2013, we do NOT fuck down, we fuck up. I need to explain what I meant by this. Being an earth child, always wanting to keep it real, I often do what my friends call 'charity' when it comes to dating. Being with people who are going nowhere slowly, have no ambition in life and are nothing more than just entertaining. So, when 2013 came, I decided that my community service was up and I would finally do what most grown ups like me do, be with a man, not a boy in a grown ups body.

Another wish I sent out to the universe was that I'd like to fall madly in love in 2013. Not have a crush or meet someone nice, but actually go so deep into this love thing that cheesy love songs would start to make sense, think about someone 24/7, stare at my phone wishing he would call and just be a girl! And yes you guessed it, it happened. I can't begin to describe this man, he was every wish I'd ever had come true. An introvert, deep, very funny, not dogmatic, simple, loved to talk and did I mention beautiful. We share a love for documentaries, we would have *digital date-nights* both watching the same documentary on Youtube and chatting to each other on BBM as we went. I felt my walls unravel as I let him deeper into my world, as he drew me deeper into his. We'd speak for hours on the phone about anything and everything, and if I may be so brave, in person our connection was like something out of a fairytale! My happiest memories were when I would disappear into his embrace, feeling like a fragile little flower, wrapped up in his strong and loving arms. This was it, it terrified and exhilirated me all at the same time!

I promised myself that this note would not be about any and everything that's going on with me right now, just this topic: Chaos is a ladder. And I need to keep reminding myself of that.

So, during this chaotic time with the prisoner I decided to do 2 things: Break up with this man my heart so adored, and to also start going for therapy again. Now I need to paraphrase this by saying: I don't like shrinks. Yet after our first session she touched on a fundamental question that spoke to my core: 'Is someone currently hurting you?' My response: No, I've been in a great relationship and I'm happy but I just know I'm not okay.

Allow me to get deep for a second, a few months ago I went through a massive *deleting spree* on my Facebook, I shedded more than 100 friends, so if you're one of those who remains, it means I truly do see you adding value to my life. So, unlike my public profile and website, here is a place where I feel safe enough to get real. Those who know me know that in 2007 I went through a traumatic experience, one that I can today honestly say, changed me. Following that experience I've become a lot more astute to instinctively obeying my spirit, and also being honest to me about me. So, when I said to the shrink: 'I know I'm not okay' I knew that although I didn't know the reason why, that was MY truth.

I think now I'm about to finally get to the point. The line 'Chaos is a ladder' is from a speech in Game of Thrones. It speaks to how, in the most tumultuous times, one can find a space to elevate. Below are just some of the lessons that being in this space has taught and elevated me:

1. The diagnosis was adult ADHD. I'm a busy-body, I don't watch TV but am permanently busy and as much as I might pride myself in my achievements, nobody researches and writes a 20 000 word book in 4 weeks, its insane just how obsessive I am when when I get caught up in a project. My job appeals to my creative and impulsive nature so it's easy to go on as though it's all normal. But when it comes down to the crunch, I'm a child in a grown ups body and how I behave is not typical of most adults. The impulsive streak (i.e. deciding on a whim to backpack through 5 countries in East Africa, it's daring but also when you don't have the *rational adult* checks in place, is dangerous and dare I say, foolish) When this diagnosis came about, my biggest fear was that she would prescribe some medication to *fix me*. I've never aspired to being normal, but here I was, having lost someone who meant so much and as relieved as I was that I now had a clue of what was wrong with me, the thought of being a normal grown up had no appeal, none at all.

2. My parents. As is to be expected, therapists always go back to your parents to figure out what went wrong with you. The conclusion from our conversations was that my parents being the polar opposites that they are (mom is all about structure and rules and religion and discipline, dad is what I often call a 'black hippie), have resulted in fundamental tensions in my own personality. I love and respect both of them, but trying to be both is close to impossible. I love my dad, he's honestly the happiest person I know (running his own business, loves nature and people, is soft-spoken and lives straight from his heart), yet I respect my mother for her discipline and *not being a girl when life gets tough*. So, my strength is also my weakness because I aspire to be both my parents. Strong, yet gentle. Creative and authentic, yet disciplined and structured. The positive result here is I can relate to most people, because my essence is two diverse individuals, but in the back of my mind, that is rather schizophrenic.

3. The prisoner. He was the catalyst. What Stan (that's his name, how cheesy can we get) did was enter my life without my permission. He walked into my world, decided he had a role and started to play it. That kind of trespassing, for a person who's so committed to structure, unsettled me in a big way. Since 2007, I don't let many people close to me, those who do come close are very aware of the rules. Stan broke them all. So when my therapist said: Is anyone currently hurting you, the truth was: Yes, Stan is.

4. The man in my life. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but the truth is, I had no business looking for a perfect love when my own world and spirit was so conflicted. When we broke up what I said was that I need to fix me, before I could be what he was looking for in a woman. That's quite a profound statement. Too often, as women we are the victims, we get hurt, cheated on, abused. But how often do we admit to the fact: I messed up? I wanted the fairytale romance, but in all honesty, I had a lot of personal admin to address before I could truly commit.

5. Enjoy the flame. Those are the words my therapist said to me at our last session this week. Just when I was expecting her to prescribe some pill to me that would mellow me out, she said: "You are eccentric, dramatic, unpredictable, daring. Embrace it! Enjoy the flame because it's who you are!" I sat there, jaw on the floor, I couldn't believe my ears. Really? Is it okay to be me? Is it okay to be too much, is it okay to not try to spend your life being anything less than the inconvenient, unpredictable ball of fire that you are? Is it???!

To conclude, there's a lot going on, but in the chaos, a lot of progress has been made as well. I've always known I'm too much, too daring, too strange, too wild, too me. But in this chaotic space, I've found that Chaos is a Ladder because as I've embraced my truth, I've also found something else: Peace.

When I said that in 2013 we don't fuck down, a part of it meant that rather than be afraid of what's real yet inconvenient, we face it head on. Life is not easy, it's not meant to be. But rather than be afraid of feeling, being, growing, we will face each challenge as it comes.

Peace is knowing that the world makes room for the eccentric ones (there's a book which was recently released which I found out about yesterday, about how some of the greatest minds of the 20th century were what most would deem 'mad', the book is called: 'Their Madness Made Them Great').

Some, or most, would wish to be normal. But today, I spent some time with a fellow leader of the African continent, hearing his wisdom, realising how he's embraced who he is meant to be, I was inspired.

We may not always fit in, but the truth of the matter is, we are living from an authentic place. Our peace is in knowing that after all is said and done, it's okay to be exactly who you are. Never apologise for living your truth.