Since 2007, when a year comes to a close, I take some time to reflect. Over the years, I've watched myself grow and change through these reflections, yet this one feels a bit different. Different because 2014 was a year like no other, and the scary thing is that my son being born has little to do with it.
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If life happens in seasons, 2014 was winter. It was cold, quiet and a lot of what has defined me for many years, was on pause. It wasn't a bad year, it was actually a very good year, but for me on a deeper level, it was winter.
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Amanda is fearless, she breaks boundaries, dares to dream way beyond anything logical, she loves hard and lives straight from her foolish heart.
2014 was none of that. If I could use an analogy that makes sense for me as a gardener, in 2014 I just watched. Didn't plough the fields, didn't weed the grass, didn't water the garden. I let things be. I just watched. There's something to be said for resisting the urge to Do in favour of just choosing to Be. My dear friend Flo recently wrote a poem that somewhat described this season....
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When a Poet stands still
It is to heal
Because every time they spill
They open a new seal
They re-reveal...
Everytime they reveal how they really feel.
Its honestly that blinds skill.
Hush, and let the Poet heal.
Flo the Poet
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At a time when I was still, there are a lot of things that took place that I chose to not take part in. The Boko Haram saga, Maya Angelou's passing, the
Oscar trial. I watched, said and did nothing. I was just still. The only regret I had was that I didn't write down the phases of my pregnancy to one day share with my son. How I felt when I found out, his father's reaction, our journey as the months went by. The day we found out it was a boy, the loooong journey of choosing a name for him. There's a whole lot I let slip through my fingers. But if anyone in this world could ever understand why I was so still, I think it would be him. I felt my spirit communicate with his, and his with mine. Even before he was born, I told my best friend that my boy was a gentleman. I was never sick, never emotional or irritable or all those crazy things pregnant people become, Zwelibanzi was good to me.
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The point of the note is to reflect on 2014, so besides Flo's poem, the other piece of art that spoke to my heart during this silent year was the Beatenberg song: Raphael. "Sometimes it feels like heaven, sometimes it feels like hell, but you keep on going until it gets hard to tell. Your body moves with the grace of archangels...." Going through the motions, being pregnant and unemployed, I found myself resisting the urge to let any kind of emotion run away with me. Gods grace and some amazing guardian angels definitely carried me. My one place of refuge has always been my writing and in 2014 I didn't write, I've always loved my red wine to help me unwind and in 2014 I didn't drink. It was a year like no other, and as scary as it is to admit, my son being born didn't change it. I would sit with him, let him curl his hand around my fingers and I'd just be still. Ours is what I can call a spiritual connection,one that was okay with me being still.
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My man and I have been friends for too long, and that's the best thing about what we have. A friend will let you be when you honestly have no words, and uMvelase was the best kind of friend I could have chosen to walk the 2014 journey with. The year ended on a number of high notes, and as I look at 2015 I'm excited to be starting a new chapter.
During this time I also learnt about something I once read about in one of Oriah’s poems: “I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it..” It comes with maturity I guess, I am growing up and I like the woman (and mother)I’m becoming.
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The essence of who I am (passionate, daring, adventurous, happy) will always be a part of who MaDlamini is. But this winter season was good for me.
My resolutions for 2015 are to (1) Be more vulnerable (2) Pursue happiness, (3) Continue to go deeper with my God and (4) Save my best self for my family…
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