Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Dear Steve

 Sitting at Braam Fischer Airport, my flight's been delayed by two hours and my team Kaizer Chiefs is getting their ass kicked, taking the joy out of this beautiful afternoon. But enough about Chiefs, I remain a loyal supporter of Abafana Bokuthula Noxolo. I figure I should use this time constructively.

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I've been thinking of crafting my views on the recently popularised #RedOctober situation, but was busy getting everything in place for Macufe. Now that's done, so I've had the time to think. I know how I feel about it, but the most fascinating realisation was just thinking of how I'd feel if I was an Afrikaans person, seeing the whole situation unfolding. So I figured my letter to Steve would be from a white Afrikaaners perspective. Unfortunately I don't speak Afrikaans so it'll have to be in English, but if I was Afrikaans, this is how I'd phrase it....

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Dear Steve,

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Have you gone mad? This is by far the worst time for you to be raising your racist head and making such statements. I mean really Steve, what did we as the Afrikaans community ever do to you? We've supported your music for years, let your Zuma-like behaviour slide and we still continue to hold you as a shining light amongst our proudly Afrikaans nation. But this Steve, this is really testing our loyalty.

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Do you realise what you've done? First things first, do you know Steve, that next year is set to be a difficult one for us? How so, you ask? Well, it's officially going to be 20 years since we conceded defeat and agreed to became a democratic New South Africa. So, by virtue of that alone, a lot of people are going to be asking the question: So what has changed, really? Now let me not lie to you Steve, the past two decades have been good to us, very good in fact. What we feared most when we let political power go, was that it would result in us losing economical power as well. But guess what, it didn't happen! We still own the land, hold the same control to the means of production and save for a couple of them who now own houses at Harties, we still have our holiday homes and farms.

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See Steve, in his infinite wisdom, beloved Dr Hendrik Verwoed was an architect of a very sophisticated and dare I say, genius system when he constructed apartheid. He put laws in place which denied blacks the right to education, owning companies and even limited where they could live. Leaving us to the best this country had to offer, and not only that, also giving us some of the cheapest labour, allowing us to accelerate this country’s development. The system worked like clock-work for nearly half a century! Half a century Steve, and 19 years after it was disbanded, it still continues to serve us. You are a beneficiary of that system Steve, so please don't be foolish and take away our comfort and joy.

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How so, you ask? Well, I'll tell you how. The moment you start painting us as victims, you get people asking too many questions. Terrible questions like: Who is to blame for the state of our country? What characterizes a victim, and who are the real victims? Why does SA have one of the highest gini-coefficients in the globe?

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Do you know what the gini-coefficient index is Steve? That is the measure of the difference between those who have (us, and a couple of BEE’s) and those who don’t have (the majority of South Africans). So, the moment people start asking questions about that, then our entire plan falls flat.

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Steve, have you read the latest employment equity report? This report states that in 2011, white males still had 65.4% of all management positions. In a country where we only make up 8.9% of the population, this is great news! The report goes on to show that in most sectors that are driving this country’s economy (agriculture, mining, manufacturing, construction, wholesale, retail) we still have over 60% share of the top positions. The report also shows that employment equity figures have regressed since the early 2000s. People were very excited about BEE and employment equity back then, but now they’ve stopped caring or have shifted their focus. Either way, we win. This is very good news Steve, news that most don’t really realise because they’re focusing on Generations, the Guptaz and Zuma’s latest scandal.

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See, the thing is Steve, we had to let the apartheid thing go. Too many tongues were wagging and being banned from almost every global body really wasn’t fun. I mean, imagine, they wouldn’t even let us into the Olympics, global companies refused to do business with an apartheid state and who can forget how us, one of the best Rugby countries in the world, were not allowed to be part of the Rugby World Cup?! That’s really tragic Steve.

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But what I’m trying to make you realise is that, now we have the best of both worlds. The world loves us, we’re able to do business with whoever we like and get to show all those who moved to Australia that we knew what we were doing all along. 1994 wasn’t the time to leave SA, it was in fact the time to stay and start cashing in!

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While you’re at it Steve, why don’t you take some time out to read the latest population Cencus statistics. Based on those, average household incomes for white South Africans have gone from R193 820 in 2001 to R365 134 in 2011. This is compared to R22 522 to R60 613 for black people. Don’t worry about them noticing though, we can just use percentages to fool them. On paper, their house hold income has tripled, whilst ours hasn’t even doubled.

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My point here Steve, is that you don’t want to attract too much attention to how well we’re doing because then you risk us losing our position. I happen to like how now the ANC government is being blamed for all this country’s problems, but if you think about it Steve, they had a really huge task ahead of them when they took over this country. A nation that was meant to offer sub-standard living to the majority of its population, and an opulent life to the elite, was now meant to learn about equality? They had to give electricity, education, health and water to millions who’d just gotten by on the bare minimums. Not only that, they had to deal with the massive debt we’d incurred whilst in government, and also make sure that the country was economically viable.

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When I hear of the statistics of how education has improved in this country, I must tell you it worries me Steve. I like how everyone is so enraged by textbooks not being delivered to Limpopo but in actual fact, if they saw the facts, they wouldn’t be so quick to judge this government.

I mean, look at it,

the

percentage of South Africans who have no schooling has gone down by more than 50% between 1996 - 2011 (19.1% - 8.6%), and South Africans who've completed matric have gone from 16.3 - 28.9%

. Access to free houses, free health facilities, free education. All of it, delivered under very difficult global economic conditions.

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Steve, I must urge you to spend more time reading. This will help inform your views, and honestly help you see the bigger picture. A recent study was released by the Unilever Institute titled: 4 Million and Rising. In this study, not only do they go into the historical context of the black middle class (growing up under apartheid with bantu education, group areas act, travel restrictions, job reservations and repression) but they also show that even with all those odds stacked against them, the blacks are now thriving. Their middle class is now 4 million and is set to grow. This for me is scary Steve. Very scary. The calibre of black that was born under apartheid was uneducated, fearful of us and very easy to manipulate. This study shows Steve that the blacks we knew who only drank, had multiple children and enjoyed killing each other are now evolving. I mean, it speaks of them now being more savvy about investment, being health conscious, investing in their children and what’s even more, investing in educating and empowering themselves. Yes they also travel, buy German cars and drink a lot, but they’re also highly ambitious and smart. That’s not good Steve, not good at all!

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As I mentioned earlier Steve, people who question are problematic, and yes in the good old days, we would often get rid of them. But now, now they’re popping up everywhere. Like that boy Julius Malema, he’s a pain in the neck that one. But I like him because most people just see him as a joker not to be taken seriously. He’s good because he comes from a poor background and that means when he sees money, he gets all excited, making him easy to bribe with shiny things. A lot of them are like that Steve, just look around you.

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But my main interest is in preserving our fortunes Steve, and I’m sure you’ll agree with me there. Your arguments about crime statistics against our race are very weak young man. According to CrimestatsSA, overall crime rates in South Africa are now on a decline, and the most affected by crime are black South Africans. You see, the first thing that black people do when feeling threatened, is turn against their own. That is where xenophobic attacks come into play. Did you know Steve, that there are more white people living in South Africa that are not of South African origin, than black? They don’t consider this when they turn on each other I tell you, this xenophobia trend is quite misguided if you ask me. But hey, rather they kill each other than us, I say.

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In closing Steve, let me be the first to assure you, white interests are well protected, and we have a good thing going here. Black people are not smart enough to really cause us harm, and the ones who are aren’t ever going to run this country, I can promise you that. Between you and Oscar’s mishap earlier this year, we sit in a very precarious position. One that is threatening our levels of comfort beyond what we can tolerate. Oscar’s whole case hinges on whether he thought it was a black burglar behind that bathroom door, giving him the right to shoot to kill. Yes, we all have those fears. But we don’t want them to be on everyone’s mind because as I’ve shown you clearly, even bigger questions will crop up. Questions we’d rather sweep under the rug, if you know what I mean.

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Don’t feel despondent and think that no one echoes your sentiments Steve. Although the turnout at your march wasn’t impressive, I’m sure you’ve seen by the number of signatories on your petition that a lot of us agree with you. We’re working on it Steve, we can’t have all the hard work by our ancestors from the last 400+ years go to waste. We are legitimate members of South Africa, and our interests must be protected. The way we go about it must just be well calculated and smart.

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My advice to you. Go back to making that great music that we love, and stop meddling in politics. You’re doing more harm than good.

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Yours in unity,

Afrikaans South Africans.


Sometimes It Has To Be Winter

 


Tonight I had a lovely dinner with a lady I was meeting for the first time. To say I was in awe would be an understatement. She was smart, interesting, funny, down-to-earth and also quite wise. We shared a seafood platter, talked about ourselves and I found myself having a really lovely time.

 

Then after our dinner I walked to my car and found that someone had tried to hijack it. The ignition had been broken and all the wires stripped from the steering wheel. The worst part was as I realised this, I wondered if they were still in the car, waiting for me to return. That alone made my blood run cold. As it turns out, the only thing they'd taken was my wallet and the only valuable thing in there was my drivers license, the rest can be replaced. The police were very helpful and all in all, it could have been a lot worse and for the fact that it wasn't, I'm grateful.

 

After all the drama, I remembered a profound statement made by my lovely dinner companion. At some point in her life her uncle said this: 'Sometimes it Has to be Winter'. That alone put so much into perspective. I've been meaning to write a different reflection on 2012 than the one I have because although in my mind it is summarised as a 'Kak Year' I realised that I'd be doing a great injustice to myself if I don't look harder and compile a gratitude list. Somewhere in there I need to go full circle and resolve all that still pains me about 2012.

 

As an aside, I've started a very unhealthy habit (to myself) of doing what I've been doing with diaries since I was 9, on FB notes. Not all that I think, feel, believe, fear and wish is for me to share with the world. The more I open myself up, the more I feel like people will stop seeing me as the balanced, smart and creative individual I always project, but rather weird. I've never needed anyone's approval for what I feel, that's what frees me about writing, but when I start to worry about the opinions of others, I find myself tempted to be a lot less honest with myself. So, I'm making my notes private from now on. I'll always write, I've always written, it's my first and great love, I need to remain true to that.

 

Back to the topic. When you look at life and ask yourself 'Why me? Why is it all going wrong? When will the pain end?' One needs to remember, Sometimes it HAS to be Winter. A time when it's cold, bare, uncomfortable, sad and it feels like your sun will never shine as it once did. 

 

But winter in itself has a purpose. It's a time of letting go of the old and making room for the new. I just read a definition that summarises winter as: 'A time when plants get a rest from growing.' I found that fascinating. In a life of constantly growing, seeking more, going further and deeper and faster. Winter is a time to slow down, and even stop. Yes stop. How scary is that? The idea of doing nothing but let the leaves fall off, the beautiful flowers die and not fighting the process. Knowing that you're making room for something better. As a person who loves to be in control, I find the thought unsettling.

 

The great thing about growing up is getting to understand things. Understand that what you believed about yourself, the world, God, Love and many other things when you were 16, is not what you believe now and although what you believe now seems correct, it may not be what you believe when you're 50. If you're alive, you're still learning, unlearning and re-learning. Someone once said to me that as people, we want to make the right decision today on behalf of our whole lives. The mistakes and the part where we change our minds, those are part of being alive. Never put too much pressure on yourself to know what is precisely correct about every detail of your life today. 

 

At an SAB conference, a couple of years ago we had Clem Sunter as one of the speakers. I don't remember most of what he said, but one thing I do remember is that, like children, each time we make a mistake we should say to ourselves: 'Wow! That's Fascinating!' Then move on. 

 

Winter, like every other season has a reason for being. And in whichever winter season I'm in, I always want to remember that it's okay to let go, to stop growing and shed off the parts of me that I no longer need, even though I might like them. As each part falls off, I always want to say, 'Wow! That's Fascinating.' Then move on, move on to uncover more of the exciting, exhilirating and fascinating moments that await in my future.

 

I wish those I love can see the world in a similar light, and never stop believing that it's because of the winter, that spring and summer are so precious and beautiful.

Tuesday, February 9, 2021

Wisdom (Thami Ngubeni Sermon - 2012)

 HOW TO GET WISDOM

 

Be aggressive in your search for wisdom: Be diligent to attain it. Make it a priority. Make your ear attentive to wisdom, and incline your heart to understanding. Cry out for discernment, and lift your voice in prayer for understanding. Seek for wisdom as you would money, and search for wisdom as you would for buried treasure. Wisdom says: I love those who love me, and those who diligently seek me will find me. If you diligently seek for wisdom God's promise to you is that you will discover the knowledge of God (Prov. 2:2-5). We need to be more like king Solomon. One night the Lord God appeared to him and said, "ask what I shall give you." Because Solomon's request was for wisdom and knowledge, and not for riches, wealth, or honor, or the death of his enemies, wisdom and knowledge was granted to him. And God was so pleased with Solomon's choice of wisdom above all else, He also added riches, wealth, and honor such as none of the kings who were before him possessed, nor those came after him (2 Chron. 1:7-12). The Lord was pleased with Solomon's prayer, and Solomon became the wisest of all men (except for the One who is greater than Solomon). Make Solomon's prayer for wisdom above all else your own

May you exercise WISDOM in choosing your life partner...WISDOM is the presence of the Holy Spirit, it is thinking with the DIVINE mind, Seeing with the Divine eye...Ask "yourself" and Your God, is this a WISE or FOOLISH choice or decision? Wisdom will allow you to see your FUTURE in the PRESENT moment. Beyond infatuation, compatibility and attraction is God's PURPOSE for you. May the one you are with be in ONE accord with your Highest Self, share the grandness of God's vision for your life and not be an obstacle on your path to joy, service, success and PEACE. Wisdom calls out, "Seek me while you still can" she says, 'those who seek me will find me." May you put your self aside and let Wisdom take the lead. Beyond wanting to be right and do right, beyond wanting to FEEL any particular way, may you seek first to be and do what is WISE. Wisdom comes directly from God. I wish you a splendid week ahead!!

Dedicated To All My Married Friends (FB Note 2012)

 




(Coming across this poem now that I'm married, just blew me away! LMAO!)

Once upon a time…

 

Once upon a time, I let you win,

I let my youth, my insecurity let you be.

He is mine, he always was, but once upon a time…

 

Once upon a time I let you win.

I let you take what was mine and I didn’t fight you.

That was the rightful way to be, that’s what a lady does…

 

Once upon a time I tasted heaven,

Lived out all my dreams combined in his kiss,

But my youth and my morality had to let you win…

 

I’m a lady, I don’t speak too loudly or lose my cool,

But those many years ago, I wished that I was not, just a little,

Just so you could maybe appreciate what you had.

A real man.

 

But so much stood in my way and I let you win.

 

Once upon a time, I was the other woman,

The dirty old mistress who didn’t have rights to his heart,

The side-piece who only got your leftovers,

 

Once upon a time I was the other woman.

 

But today is a different story, today I’m a different person,

I know myself all too well, and I know exactly what it is that I want.

 

Once upon a time, I wasn’t ready to die for my dreams,

But unfortunately for both of us, today I am. I honestly truly am,

And no matter what it takes, I will win.

 

Owami, ngiyamthanda, ngizomfela if you don’t realise what you have,

A good, honest, gentle, humble, faithful and honest man.

You have to decide because even as I write this, akayena owami,

 

But asizile ukuzodla la, we are both women and we both need love,

Mina engik’shoyo kuwena dadewethu is that, unless you realise it,

Uzolahlakelwa izulu nomhlaba ngoba ungazibon’ indlela obusiseke ngayo,

 

I am in no ways a predator, I’m just a simple woman,

I love, I need to also be loved and appreciated in return.

 

Because once upon a time, I was the other woman.

A dirty little secret, the favourite ‘secret’ part of his day,

But that was not how my mother raised me, I am worthy of love.

 

But once upon a time, I was the other woman,

But today, today I’ve got my foot firmly in the door,

And unlike you, I’m not about to let a very good man go,

 

Once upon a time, I was the other woman,

 

But today, today I want to be you.

I want to be a wife, I want to be the one he adores.

I want to be the one he loves more than his own happiness.

 

 

Once upon a time I was the other woman,

I know what it feels like to spend Christmas alone,

Because the nagging wife and kids need him there,

 

Today I want to surprise him on his birthday,

To have rights, no longer be the fun dirty little secret,

I want to be you,

 

At any point, if you let your guard down, slip,

I’ll be there. Beautiful, smart, well groomed, available.

And I will, if you let me, take what’s yours without a thought.

 

Once upon a time I was the other woman,

I know the loneliness, I know the rush followed by humiliation,

It's lonely, it's hard, it's cold and it's never enough for any real woman,

I for one should know, coz once upon a time...

I was once after all, the other woman.

 


MaDlamini's Reflections on 2011 - FB Note

2011, Wow! If this year was a man, I wouldn't know whether I wanna kiss him or slap him.




 

Over the last 4 years this has become a bit of a tradition. At the end of each year I sit down, reflect and really evaluate what the year has meant to me.

 

This year, I'd say was definitely a year of surprises. When it started I decided (as so did half the world) that it was 2000 & Elevate. I was going to go to new heights, in any and every way.

 

But the interesting thing is, the year on it's own accord, elevated me  in ways I never could have chosen for myself. To new levels of achievement, of surprise, of pain, of spirituality, of love, of excellence, of failure and of me.

 

Starting with 2010, that year was the bomb! I bought a house, the convertible, got engaged, learnt to live without *****, it was Wow!

 

So, in terms of material things, and things that the outside world deems important, I started the year on a good note.

 

But then all hell broke loose, literally. In the first 6 months, my engagement went down the drain, I got into major debt, my sister died, I went back to *****, toothache, I broke up with a very good (female) friend, (not particularly in that order, yet all equally devastating!).

 

Death, I would say was a central theme in 2011. Firstly my sister and then my girl Lindiwe. With both of them I was shocked by the emotions that came with the loss. They were there, and whilst they were there I didn't give much thought to how much they meant to me, but when they were not there, I suddenly realised how much I loved/needed/enjoyed having them in my life.

 

The other theme was on the 'God-tip'. In 2011, God did not whisper he spoke clearly, and sometimes too clearly. I'll leave it there, for fear of seeming well... weird or crazy. But in 2011 God revealed himself to me as an artist.

 

The mysterious ***** is a big one. I called it Operation Shiy' Iscefe. Having finally achieved it, I am grateful but the battle was long and hard. This year I read Sun Tzu's Art of War, self-mastery is essential for any leader.

 

That leads me to the next key realisation of 2011. This is the year (for the first time in my life) I spent my own money on education. Firstly with the GIBS course on Leadership and then UNISA on African Leadership. So, this year I decided, I'm a leader. My behaviour, my attitude and my legacy all need to reflect that. Both courses were incredible, I learnt and grew in so many ways. The most amazing part was the affirmation of what I'd already learnt in the 26 years I've lived.

 

Then there was East Africa. 3 reasons I took the trip: 1) I needed a way to spend the wedding money after breaking off the engagement, (2) I had unfinished business with Ethiopia & (3) I love Mother Africa. The trip was worth more than all the learning I got from 3 years of university! I learnt so much about people, about the meaning of life and mostly about me, and where I fit in to the bigger scheme of things.

 

I'm smiling as I think of the next point. Each year of my life, people come in and out of my life. This year I met the craziest, most intelligent, happiest, most innocent person ever! My dear house-mate is by far one of the biggest highlights of my year. 6/10 LOL's I've had in 2011 were due to him. He taught me to play the piano, is constantly reminding me of who I am and was there to bear witness to my existence. I am blessed,

 

Every year I learn something new about family. When my sister passed,  I realised the various dynamics within my family. The changing role I have amongst my siblings, at the funeral I was the youngest but they insisted I should speak on behalf of them, I found that intriguing. My other sister and I, how we've bonded as the year has gone by, my brother getting married and how amazing that was, it's all fascinating.

 

I didn't think I'd be mentioning the next point, but in 2011 I came across Judas. I got to befriend hm, understand him and accept the role he has to play in my life.

 

My relationship with my mother is always an interesting one, this year we started relating woman-to-woman, it was all quite weird at first but so rich and fulfilling at the end. My mom called me her best-friend this year, that is officially the best compliment I've ever received in my entire life.

 

My engagement, that's a tough one to discuss I must admit. From the beginning I never felt like I was in charge, so even now I feel like it's all part of a 'master-plan' that's bigger than me.But in everything I'm thankful and grateful for the love that was, and still is...

 

One of the biggest surprises for me in 2011 was starting my own company, I never would've thought I'd be a director and shareholder at 26, but God has been faithful.

 

In 2011, various people have come in and out of my life. Those who'd always been there have taken on new roles and in all honesty, I'm blessed that they have. I see the love, the growth, the elevation and I'm in awe of God's artistic hand on my life. I wouldn't change a single thing about how 2011 has panned out.

 

I have deliberately left out a significant part of my reflections on 2011, to the person that this relates to... No-homo. 

The Fresh Grave Dilemma

 There’s nothing left to do,

Funeral’s over, the mourners have left,

The last chunk of sand has been thrown,

Time to make the journey back home,

Without you.

 

I’m looking at this fresh grave,

The place you now call home,

I’m looking at the beautiful flowers,

The great view you’ve got of the hills,

It’s time for me to go,

Without you.

 

Tomorrow, work deadlines will be due,

I’ll have to remember to pay the light bill,

Go see the dentist, do the laundry,

I’ve got to complete my school assignment,

Go buy a gift for the wedding,

Without you.

 

My life has to go on, I know you’d want me to.

But sitting next to this fresh grave,

After everyone’s gone away.

It’s just me, the howling wind and somewhere down there,

All that’s left of you.

 

I wanna do justice to your memory,

Feel every ache, cry every last tear.

I want you to know that I did love you,

I Still do, miss you like you crazy.

I want you to know it’s not the same,

Without you.

 

The fresh grave dilemma is that it all needs to go on,

The sun still has to rise tomorrow,

I’ve still got to get up and live,

Move on, without you.

 

In my morning prayers I list all my siblings,

I now have to remember to remove you,

When someone asks me about myself,

I have to remember to now say, I’m one of 6,

When I come home I have to remember,

You’re not ever going to be there again.

 

I have to remember, I have to remember,

I have to remember. But I also have to forget.\\

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It's a new week, to some, this might be time to be 'getting over it' and not dragging this sad dead sister story too long, I'm sorry for those who feel uncomfortable, but this is where my spirit is right now, I've never claimed to be an entertainer with my writing. I write what I feel and today, this is what I feel. I have to remember.

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The fresh grave dilemma condemns my spirit for thinking of mediocre things like the laundry, the dentist appointment. She's only been gone 6 days, the dust is yet to settle. But the fresh grave also screams, let me go. It's over, I'm over. My sister never liked being fussed over, 4 days. That's all it took. She was well my whole life, then was in hospital for just 4 days, after that she was gone. I'm overwhelmed by the dilemma. Does loving you mean I stay sad, hurting, crying and mourning, or does loving you mean I move on. This is my dilemma.

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There's Nothing More Beautiful Than Death - In Memory of My Sister (2011 FB Note)

 I am breathing through an ache in my chest that feels like it will split me open. The term “sucking wound” comes to mind as many breaths are gasping, struggling, wet with tears. It feels like there is a gaping hole in my chest.”                       ~Oriah~

 


In the TV series Lie To Me the doctor mentions that the best way to get the truth from people is to put them in extreme pain. That’s why torture is such an effective tactic. When you’re hurting, you’ve only got enough room for the pain and the truth.

 

It hurts. It hurts in a way I didn’t expect it to, and if I’m honest, in a way that it shouldn’t have to.

 

I’ve got very unique relationships with each of my 6 siblings. I love them all equally, but what I share with each of them is worlds apart. She was the oldest, I’ve always (until recently) been the youngest. She came first, I came last.  I loved how she never treated me like the kid, she was the only one in the whole group who didn’t treat me like I was built to break or fragile. When I was with her, I always felt like we were the only sane ones in the whole wild bunch. We’d sit together in bed on many nights, discussing the dynamics of our siblings. The one tries too hard, the other one drinks too much, the other one sucks up, the other one uses money to gain our fathers love. We’d sit and laugh about it together, in our own private moments. She would tell me about what pissed her off that we did, she was never a fighter so she’d never say it out loud. I laugh when I remember how we used to be entertained by the women that came in and out of our father’s life. There were the possessive ones, the crazy ones, the spiritual ones and the ones who would use us to gain favour with our dad.

 

Outside of that though, we were always very different. Different in the sense that she never felt the need to get people to like her, I on the other hand, always tried too hard to be everyone’s best friend. She never had anything to prove, if she wasn’t your cup of tea, you’d just have to get over yourself.

 

I remember the day I drove over someone with my car. The scariest, craziest moment of my life! I couldn’t call my dad or anyone else but I decided to call her. As always, she was calm and like a soldier, she handled it. She went to the family, gave the ‘victim’ medication, and when they tried to blackmail me, my dear sister told her where the hell to get off.

There’s another occasion, way back in high-school when I was in trouble and my dad was ready to have my head on a plate. I knew I was wrong, but she didn’t for a second make me feel bad about it, she had my back like any big sister would.

 

My sister wasn’t a woman of many words, she had a dry sense of humour and she was quite content in the silent moments. I liked that.

 

The last time I saw my sister was just after Christmas. I went to her brand new house, we sat drinking Coke and eating Choice Assorted biscuits. Nothing about it felt final. The beautiful thing about death is that it takes away all of the things that aren’t real. Only love and pain remain.

 

Today the pain is most certainly like a gaping hole in my chest. Oriah says it more eloquently than me when she says: Grief is as kind as it can be, coming in waves instead of all at once- surely a flood that would drown. It’s hard to predict when the next wave will hit. I miscalculate and have to abandon a shopping cart in the middle of the cereal aisle at the supermarket to dash for home and lay down on the cool white tiles of the bathroom floor.

  

I miss you, but I can still feel your spirit so near to me. We shared something that not even death can take away. Rest in peace Big Sister, you are and will always be a part of me.

 

Love Always,

 


16th of March 2009 (Poem)

 Tomorrow will be two years later,

 

Tomorrow will be two years since that terrible fateful day,

Tomorrow will be two years since you left us.

 

I cannot imagine the idea of you not being here anymore,

You're honestly, really, seriously gone.

 

I remember the moment  Ifound out.

My first thought was: Oh My God, How Dare You?!

 

I couldn't imagine the idea of you not being there,

Through it all, I did admire the lady in you.

 

Your smile, your laughter, your bright shining eyes,

They all dissapeared on the 16th of March 2009,

 

You're really gone.

 

I was not a friend, I didn't even like you most of the time,

But even I cannot deny that you were, and are, a beautiful lady.

 

So much has happened since that day, so very much.

You left this cruel, young world, lucky you.

 

But those of us who remain, we're here through it all.

 

Last week we saw Japan dissapear under the Tsunami,

Last month we saw Libya commit suicide as its people killed one another.

 

You are gone, you are in a much better and more beautiful place.

Lucky you. You who never had to see how worse it got after you left.

 

Dear beautiful lady, I don't even have a right to write this,

But in my heart I know, we both know what our truth was and still is,

 

We both loved and still continue to love in the same way,

You were beautiful, you were a shining light, and my dear...

 

Even today, two years later, you are missed. 

What Defines Class - 2010 FB Note

 •Layer one - Wealth

•Layer two - Lineage

•Layer three - Memberships

•Layer four - Education

•Layer five - Arts

•Layer six - Social savvy

•Layer seven - Political clout

•Layer eight - Travel sophistication

•Layer nine - Sports

•Layer ten - Values

•Layer eleven - Achievement

•Layer twelve - Hobbies

•Layer thirteen - Philanthropy

•Layer fourteen - Manners and Self care

•Layer fifteen - Having A good command of Languages

•Layer Sixteen - A Refined Accent


(Not my handwriting)

What 2010 Taught Me

 Today will surely go down in history is one of the most important days of my life. Definitely one that I will not soon forget. I can’t help but reflect on 20-My-Turn and just what it is that this year has meant for me and those closest to me. Last night one of my friends said something that I found to be quite amazing. We were talking about the great things that happen in people’s lives and how we often wonder when our turn is coming. She said: ‘Whenever something amazing happens to someone in my life, instead of getting jealous I find myself inspired and thinking, there’s enough happiness to go around. My turn is coming...’ That I found quite inspiring, and I once again found myself feeling thankful for the wonderful women that I am blessed be surrounded by.

 

But the point of this I guess was to take a look at 2010 and just find 5 things that this year has taught me. If I were to summarise it all, these would top the list:

 

1)      I guess more than anything else, for me 2010 was the year of letting go. As I look around me so much of what defined my life when this year started is no longer here, (car, job, relationships, dreadlocks, home) and as painful as the loss was at times, I had to let so much go in order to make space for all the blessing that has come my way. As the saying goes, Let go & Let God. I learnt to let go (sometimes kicking and screaming) but at the end of the day, it was the best thing for me to have done and as God began to bless me, I was amazed at how much of what I held dear, actually didn’t fit into where my life is headed.

 

2)      The second thing that 2010 taught me was the importance of knowing what you’re worth. Most people who know me know that I love keeping the peace, (my best friend who’s known me for 12 years once said that she’s actually never seen me angry, how funny is that!) and that is very often at the expense of my own needs. But in 2010 I found a voice I never thought I had, I learnt to not settle for mediocrity and make it clear that some things aren’t acceptable.  That was terrifying, but also very liberating.

 

3)      The third lesson that 2010 had for me was how to be silent. Another great friend of mine was getting advice on marriage and one of the best pieces of advice she got was: ‘Silence is the language of the saints. In every relationship you have to learn the power of silence, not to punish but to free.’ I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve (and as someone recently put it: Wear my heart on my FB status), but keeping the most intimate details of your life to yourself, especially when God is busy working on you, can be the best thing one can do. You also become more perceptive and in tune with yourself if you practise silence. The most important thing about silence, is not saying something that you later regret.

 

4)      As is the case every year that I live, people come in and out of your life, especially friends. 2010 was the year when I let go of toxic friendships. I was talking to a good friend on Sunday about how much love, respect and admiration I have for all the people in my life. The ones who have remained with me up to this point are humble, spiritually strong, focused, simple and beautiful souls that energise and inspire me. I’m not looking to be surrounded by perfect people but this year I learnt that birds of a feather actually do flock together.

 

5)      The last and greatest lesson for me in 2010 was definitely related to love. So often we chase it, try to hold on to it, get hurt from it and after it’s over... we’re right back where we started and we continue the cycle (Chasing, holding on, getting hurt). But in a year when I looked God in the eye and said: If it’s not from you, I don’t want it’, I was liberated. When I was young my mother always encouraged me to pray for my husband. That was a bit strange, but she said that God should prepare both of us for the time when we meet and keep our hearts safe so that when we got together, we’d be the best fit for each other. Yes my mother is that deep!  But having done that for years, I cannot begin to describe the feeling of meeting someone who is Just Right for you. When the pieces of the puzzle finally click into place you realise that every single thing you’ve ever been through was preparing you for this. In 2010 I learnt that love is not something to chase / demand / rush. If it’s not there, no amount of hard work or prayer can magically make it real, and when it is there, it’s not loud or boastful or arrogant. Love, as I have experienced it, is gentle and certain. I wish this kind of love on all the people I love.

 

Now we look to 2000 n Elevate, I have a feeling it’s going to be the best year yet!

 

Ozithobayo,

MaDlamini