I miss me...

A friend of mine recently asked me why I stopped writing, the question was quite a shock. Me? Stop writing? I'd sooner stop breathing. But I understood where it came from. I haven't written anything that wasn't top-secret, private, to be hidden deep in my journals... in a while :)

I miss the feeling,
The anticipation, the tingle in my belly.
I miss not knowing, but knowing regardless.
I miss the spark,  that kindles the flame,
Inspiration.

Writers write, writers need to write.
When pen meets blank paper, wrapped in
Creative possibility, my joy is complete.
I miss the fireworks, the magic,
I miss the roller-coaster.

Writing heals, restores and relieves me.
Writing renews me, and I miss it.
I miss me.

Fairytale

 

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (Maya Angelou)

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are...
tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird ...
But a caged bird stands on the
grave of dreams his shadow shouts
on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are
tied so he opens his throat to sing.

See beyond the poet in me...

Poets make mediocre sunsets, seem magical
Poets write flowery words, invent bull-shit fairy-tales,
Poets. Liars, living in a world of fantasy, refusing to grow the f*** up.

They sleep with dictionaries under their pillows,
Use similes, synonyms, metaphors all those deep things,
To lie, seduce, manipulate and did I mention, lie?

If it be a crime for me to have written a thousand poems before this one,
Guilty I am. I am all of those superficial things poets are,
But right or wrong, I love you.

I'm sorry, I'm not who I'm not.
I'm sorry for believing in magic,
For being an inconvenient reality,

But after all is said and done,
Mine is a heart that lives it's truth.
Mine is a life based on never shying away,
Never denying what is, just because it's not pretty...

Loving you makes me weak, and as unsexy as it is, *a girl*
Makes me what most people don't think I am: Human
But at my most human, a poet I am. A girl I am.

Someone who loves you... I am.
 

Chaos is a Ladder

 
About a month ago I updated about a prisoner who had called me at work and was making unwelcome advances. At the time, it seemed harmless and I found it almost funny. Yet in my spirit, I was shaken. Fast-forward a couple of weeks and I was literally having anxiety attacks without knowing the reason.

Something was just not right. For those who've read my notes before, the next couple of paragraphs may seem unrelated, but there is a common thread. One that I will do my best to explain,

During the unsettled space, I just couldn't quite put my finger on what it is that was wrong. I looked at my life, examined my world and questioned a lot about a lot. In an irrational and fearful place I made some *radical* decisions. Decisions which, I will fully own and take responsibility for. Even the one where I almost got fired from my job,

As a side note, at the beginning of the year I only had one New Years resolution: In 2013, we do NOT fuck down, we fuck up. I need to explain what I meant by this. Being an earth child, always wanting to keep it real, I often do what my friends call 'charity' when it comes to dating. Being with people who are going nowhere slowly, have no ambition in life and are nothing more than just entertaining. So, when 2013 came, I decided that my community service was up and I would finally do what most grown ups like me do, be with a man, not a boy in a grown ups body.

Another wish I sent out to the universe was that I'd like to fall madly in love in 2013. Not have a crush or meet someone nice, but actually go so deep into this love thing that cheesy love songs would start to make sense, think about someone 24/7, stare at my phone wishing he would call and just be a girl! And yes you guessed it, it happened. I can't begin to describe this man, he was every wish I'd ever had come true. An introvert, deep, very funny, not dogmatic, simple, loved to talk and did I mention beautiful. We share a love for documentaries, we would have *digital date-nights* both watching the same documentary on Youtube and chatting to each other on BBM as we went. I felt my walls unravel as I let him deeper into my world, as he drew me deeper into his. We'd speak for hours on the phone about anything and everything, and if I may be so brave, in person our connection was like something out of a fairytale! My happiest memories were when I would disappear into his embrace, feeling like a fragile little flower, wrapped up in his strong and loving arms. This was it, it terrified and exhilirated me all at the same time!

I promised myself that this note would not be about any and everything that's going on with me right now, just this topic: Chaos is a ladder. And I need to keep reminding myself of that.

So, during this chaotic time with the prisoner I decided to do 2 things: Break up with this man my heart so adored, and to also start going for therapy again. Now I need to paraphrase this by saying: I don't like shrinks. Yet after our first session she touched on a fundamental question that spoke to my core: 'Is someone currently hurting you?' My response: No, I've been in a great relationship and I'm happy but I just know I'm not okay.

Allow me to get deep for a second, a few months ago I went through a massive *deleting spree* on my Facebook, I shedded more than 100 friends, so if you're one of those who remains, it means I truly do see you adding value to my life. So, unlike my public profile and website, here is a place where I feel safe enough to get real. Those who know me know that in 2007 I went through a traumatic experience, one that I can today honestly say, changed me. Following that experience I've become a lot more astute to instinctively obeying my spirit, and also being honest to me about me. So, when I said to the shrink: 'I know I'm not okay' I knew that although I didn't know the reason why, that was MY truth.

I think now I'm about to finally get to the point. The line 'Chaos is a ladder' is from a speech in Game of Thrones. It speaks to how, in the most tumultuous times, one can find a space to elevate. Below are just some of the lessons that being in this space has taught and elevated me:

1. The diagnosis was adult ADHD. I'm a busy-body, I don't watch TV but am permanently busy and as much as I might pride myself in my achievements, nobody researches and writes a 20 000 word book in 4 weeks, its insane just how obsessive I am when when I get caught up in a project. My job appeals to my creative and impulsive nature so it's easy to go on as though it's all normal. But when it comes down to the crunch, I'm a child in a grown ups body and how I behave is not typical of most adults. The impulsive streak (i.e. deciding on a whim to backpack through 5 countries in East Africa, it's daring but also when you don't have the *rational adult* checks in place, is dangerous and dare I say, foolish) When this diagnosis came about, my biggest fear was that she would prescribe some medication to *fix me*. I've never aspired to being normal, but here I was, having lost someone who meant so much and as relieved as I was that I now had a clue of what was wrong with me, the thought of being a normal grown up had no appeal, none at all.

2. My parents. As is to be expected, therapists always go back to your parents to figure out what went wrong with you. The conclusion from our conversations was that my parents being the polar opposites that they are (mom is all about structure and rules and religion and discipline, dad is what I often call a 'black hippie), have resulted in fundamental tensions in my own personality. I love and respect both of them, but trying to be both is close to impossible. I love my dad, he's honestly the happiest person I know (running his own business, loves nature and people, is soft-spoken and lives straight from his heart), yet I respect my mother for her discipline and *not being a girl when life gets tough*. So, my strength is also my weakness because I aspire to be both my parents. Strong, yet gentle. Creative and authentic, yet disciplined and structured. The positive result here is I can relate to most people, because my essence is two diverse individuals, but in the back of my mind, that is rather schizophrenic.

3. The prisoner. He was the catalyst. What Stan (that's his name, how cheesy can we get) did was enter my life without my permission. He walked into my world, decided he had a role and started to play it. That kind of trespassing, for a person who's so committed to structure, unsettled me in a big way. Since 2007, I don't let many people close to me, those who do come close are very aware of the rules. Stan broke them all. So when my therapist said: Is anyone currently hurting you, the truth was: Yes, Stan is.

4. The man in my life. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but the truth is, I had no business looking for a perfect love when my own world and spirit was so conflicted. When we broke up what I said was that I need to fix me, before I could be what he was looking for in a woman. That's quite a profound statement. Too often, as women we are the victims, we get hurt, cheated on, abused. But how often do we admit to the fact: I messed up? I wanted the fairytale romance, but in all honesty, I had a lot of personal admin to address before I could truly commit.

5. Enjoy the flame. Those are the words my therapist said to me at our last session this week. Just when I was expecting her to prescribe some pill to me that would mellow me out, she said: "You are eccentric, dramatic, unpredictable, daring. Embrace it! Enjoy the flame because it's who you are!" I sat there, jaw on the floor, I couldn't believe my ears. Really? Is it okay to be me? Is it okay to be too much, is it okay to not try to spend your life being anything less than the inconvenient, unpredictable ball of fire that you are? Is it???!

To conclude, there's a lot going on, but in the chaos, a lot of progress has been made as well. I've always known I'm too much, too daring, too strange, too wild, too me. But in this chaotic space, I've found that Chaos is a Ladder because as I've embraced my truth, I've also found something else: Peace.

When I said that in 2013 we don't fuck down, a part of it meant that rather than be afraid of what's real yet inconvenient, we face it head on. Life is not easy, it's not meant to be. But rather than be afraid of feeling, being, growing, we will face each challenge as it comes.

Peace is knowing that the world makes room for the eccentric ones (there's a book which was recently released which I found out about yesterday, about how some of the greatest minds of the 20th century were what most would deem 'mad', the book is called: 'Their Madness Made Them Great').

Some, or most, would wish to be normal. But today, I spent some time with a fellow leader of the African continent, hearing his wisdom, realising how he's embraced who he is meant to be, I was inspired.

We may not always fit in, but the truth of the matter is, we are living from an authentic place. Our peace is in knowing that after all is said and done, it's okay to be exactly who you are. Never apologise for living your truth.

It Wasn't Roaring, It Was Weeping

 

They call our homeland hell. People here, all they know what to do is kill, rape, steal and harm. But to me, to me it’s still home. I was born and raised in South Africa, the crime capital of the world. Dewani (allegedly) came here, bought a few thugs to have his wife murdered, of all the places he could have done it, he knew that in SA, no one would notice. But did I mention, to me, this is home.

Oscar (allegedly) murdered his girlfriend on Valentines Day and whether the truth is that he did it, or whether he thought it was a burglar and he was protecting himself, my beloved home is still to blame. If he murdered her, that’s what South Africans do, they’re all savages. If it was an accident and he thought she was a burglar, well he had every right. SA is the most dangerous country to live in in the world.

But, call it what you will, to me it’s still home. At 27 years of age, I’ve woken up to more than 10 000 mornings in this ‘hell’, I have made friends, lived, loved, laughed, cried, failed and succeeded in my beautiful and beloved home. South Africa is my home. It’s not a black versus white thing, it’s not a rich versus poor thing, it’s not a ‘thing’ it’s my home.

Vusi Mahlasela has a powerful song which depicts how, from the outside, people can fear what they do not know. Titled: It wasn’t roaring it was weeping. The song talks about how a lion, viewed from the outside can be viewed as a ruthless, cruel beast. But the moment you start to get closer, see its pain and understand its suffering, you realise that when you thought it was roaring, it was actually weeping. What you see may not always reflect the truth. As a nation, collectively we’ve been through a lot of a lot of a lot. Our weeping is born of an ocean of pain.

For all our faults, South Africans have the incredible capacity to see beyond racial lines to what is true. As a nation, today we’re all (once again) bowing in shame at how the actions of the few have come to represent all of us. We are more than what you fear/despise/ judge, we are South Africa. When you cut us, we bleed the same crimson blood, and when you cut into the precious fibre of our rainbow nation, our pain is identical. We all worked so hard to make the transition from apartheid to peaceful reconciliation and the new South Africa. We all have to live daily with the reality of our limitations, we really do have a long way to go. But one thing we’ve always had, is a sense of unity that surpasses whatever challenges the day brings.

South Africa is a melting pot of numerous cultures, but beneath that is a beating heart of more than 50 million heartbeats, all saying, I believe in us. We have many flaws, of which you can write a thousand stories. But to us, to all of us (black, white, Indian, Coloured) this is home. We believe in the inherent goodness of our people, we will defend our own, no matter what colour they are, we are a family.

Rest in peace Reeva, may God be with you Oscar.

Sincerely

South Africa

The Thief's Prayer

One night a thief went out to do what he did for a living, steal. But before he did, he said a prayer. "Oh God, I know my heart is wicked, I know my thoughts impure. But beseech thee I must, bring your favour and light to my work. Help me succeed in my missions, as wicked as they may be. Let me come home victorious, to glorify and honour your grace upon me."

As the thief went about his business, killing and stealing and destroying all in his path. A righteous man sat and watched. He'd heard the thiefs prayer and sat troubled as he saw it answered. That night he knelt as he always did, 'Dear God, why do you let the thief succeed? Why do I suffer poverty and infliction, being the loyal servant that I am? Why do you not cast him down, destroy him so his evil ways will cease? My God, why do you punish the righteous and prosper the wicked?'

God turned to the righteous man, a tear rolled down his eye. 'I adore your love and commitment, your good heart I so admire. Yet the amount of love I feel for you, is no less than that I feel for him. His tears, his pleas his cries, rip through my spirit as much as yours. It's not an either or, this thing. It's really very simple. Your faith will take you just as far, no matter how good or bad you are.

The lesson: Have Faith. Move Mountains. Do Right. Not for reward or favour, but because when given the choice, you choose to be the good man anyway.

Back to basics

I honestly believe my life is a comedy. Here I was, a day into my new fabulous job and my teeth decide to turn on me. For the last couple of weeks I've been getting a few aches, but nothing that a pain-killer or two couldn't handle. I've been quite impressed actually, with everything that's been going on in 2012, I really couldn't deal with the soul-deep, paralyzing, excruciating pain of toothaches. The last time it got this bad was last year, I remember walking out in the middle of a movie premiere I'd been invited to, practically in tears. The movie itself was a comedy so I couldn't exactly claim that it was the reason for the tears *rolls eyes*.

Someone once said that child-birth and heart-break are the most painful things in life, clearly they'd never been woken up in the middle of the night with the searing pain of tooth-ache. You question the meaning of life, cry, toss and turn, cry a bit more and the pain is still there. On a bad night, I've gone through 6 pain killers, had to call my BFF and find out at which point it officially becomes attempted suicide to take so many pills. She told me to stop being dramatic, pain-killers won't kill you, just zombify you maybe.

Anywhoo, back to the comedy that is my life. I drive to my dentist's office, get told there are no openings until tomorrow afternoon, but the lady at the reception sweetly states: 'In the mean-time, gargle with salt water, it will help.' I gave her one of my most charming smiles, wondering what drug she was on to think I'd still be alive in 24 hours time. I left the office, went to the pharmacy and got enough pain-killers to sink a ship.

Did I mention that since Monday, I'd barely been able to eat? Oh, and when I got back to work I tried the salt-water concoction, did the pain not almost knock me the f*** out?! But after about 10 minutes it started to work, so I guess I need to thank that lovely receptionist at the dentist shame, it wasn't a conspiracy to kill me. Now with all the delightful pain, I can't even imagine the idea of solid food. Or anything that's hot or that's cold or needs to be chewed. Limiting my choices quite substantially *sigh...*

But then I remembered my mom's advice, when you've got a tooth-ache, you need to make mageu and drink it. It's a proper meal replacement and yes it's got all the vitamins and great things. So in the last 4 days I've lived on a solid diet of Mageu Number 1, breakfast = mageu, lunch = more mageu and supper = even more mageu. It's actually worked like a charm, quite filling and I've tried every taste under the sun (well, under the sun at my local garage, I see those ladies behind the till giving me a 'geez this girl loves her mageu' look, but that's the least of my problems),

Yesterday morning, I went into Randburg, looking for another dentist. I used to have one, in one of the more unsavoury parts of Randburg, he never used to believe me when I told him how painful my gums were, definitely didn't have the best bedside manner. I do remember him being cheap though. I walked around, couldn't find him and decided to go into the mall. Followed the signs and arrived at this other dentists office. Now I know no one will believe this, but although it was almost 10am the dentist hadn't arrived, I was the 3rd person in the queue and there was a power failure in the mall. Even with my limited knowledge of medicine, I'm sure dentists need electricity... I love how funny life is when it's not funny.

I spoke to the receptionist, she told me that considering my symptoms, I need to take a course of anti-inflammatories for 5 days, let the swelling go down and then come back for them to 'fix me'. I've developed a great respect for receptionists at dentist offices, so I took her wise words to heart and got the antibiotics.

I woke up with a swollen cheek this morning, but like a soldier I popped my cocktail of meds, got my mageu and went to work. After just a couple of hours, my boss told me to go home, guess this Rambo act wasn't really fooling anyone...

I'm really hoping that my Christmas is a pain-free one, imagine going through it unable to eat all those treats. *trauma!*

Oh and if I could wish upon a star, it would be so cool if I lost a bit of weight from this exercise as well... I'm seeing a sexy bikini body in my near future,

But shout-out to Mageu Number One, sometimes going back to basics and taking mommy's advice can be the best thing you can do.... as I have my banana-flavoured mageu for supper, (",)

Wild Wild West (Nigeria 2012)

When we found out that it costs about R8k to get a visa for Nigeria, we decided that it's waaay too much and we'd take taxis (the ECOWAS region isn't too strict about passports as members of the region can pass through each country with ease). That's how we got to see Togo and Benin. A 15 hour roadtrip through West Africa. Our driver was a short, tiny man but he had a huge presence. One of those 'Don't mess with me' types who's very street wise. The first shock came when we left Accra, he started with a prayer for us all to have a safe journey. Then when we stopped at the Togo/Benin border some of the guys on the taxi with us bought yam and giblets. Then they offered us some as we continued to drive, that was cool. They also had wine but we gently declined the offer to sip. At some point I lost count of the number of bribes that had to be paid along the way, and there was a point where a guard/cop/soldier came into the bus and was asking people lots of questions and even accused this one guy who had a laptop of internet fraud, but our driver handled it, so in the end we made it!

There's no place on earth like Nigeria! I cannot begin to describe the intensity of everything there. Someone once said that Lagos is an insult to your senses, everything you see, taste, touch, smell is overwhelming! That's a bit dramatic, to me the place was just blissful chaos and intoxicating energy. From when we first arrived, spending 3 hours in traffic on a Friday night, seeing huge crowds of people in the middle of the night just going about their business like it's daytime, it was definitely the experience of a life-time!

Yet for me, the richest part of my time in Lagos was the conversations we had with my friend Omoh. Being stuck in all that traffic gave us a lot of time to talk, and talk we did. Surprisingly enough, we both come from countries which are notorious for something (Corruption in Nigeria and Crime in SA). I realised that to a certain extent, we constantly have to keep apologising for the things our countrymen often do. I was shocked to hear of how Omoh on one of his visits to SA was confronted at the airport with a woman who stamped his Visa and said: 'It's valid for 3 months, now don't stay here for 3 years!' OMW! I was touched to hear that. Then, as if that wasn't enough, when he went outside the airport, he met a policeman who wanted a R100 bribe and said if he didn't pay it he'd be arrested. When I heard that, I was dumbfounded, totally speechless... But my friend took it all in his stride... He says the one thing that changed his mind about South Africans was when one of our common friends invited him to stay at his house, he hadn't expected the hospitality and has since seen that not all of us are rude/corrupt. I was proud to hear that we still have good advocates for South Africa and even more that not all of us see someone from the continent and automatically judge them.

The other interesting part of our conversation was how ingrained corruption is in Nigeria. Omoh mentioned that people see top officials taking from the people and not being punished so the average man on the street realises that he also should make a quick buck where he can.  A few WoW moments for me included hearing that Nigeria has got over 100 TV stations, 36 provinces and Nollywood is really making an impact on the world's stage! We passed this huge building and that's apparently one of the Castles for one of the Kings. The place was beautiful and looked bigger than the white house.

Then I saw something I've never seen in SA, a drive-through ATM! The mall was also pretty cool, it felt just like being in Sandton/Menlyn. Omoh had to get me medication for my flu (which was just ruining the experience for me) and then we went to Open Mic at Rodizzios. The club was nice and chilled, with musicians, comedians and even a ventroluquist (hope I spelt that right). Then the MC decides to walk straight to our table and ask me: 'Where are you from?' I was shocked, didn't think I stuck out that much but clearly I did. Then he asked me to tell him how to say 'I love you' in Afrikaans, OMW! But all in all, it was a great evening!

The first night we went to this club on Victoria Island which is where we stayed, ah-mazing! Very posh, similar to Taboo in Sandton, yet around 2, a guy came and was walking around playing a drum along with the songs, *Priceless!*

Our friends in Lagos made us feel really welcome, and their hospitality was absolutely amazing. I can now share with my fellow S.Africans that not all people from Nigeria are the same, just like not all South Africans are xenophobic. It felt good to spend a weekend with young people who are so far from home but quite similar to us, what binds us is definitely greater than what separates us.

I remember seeing a lady with a t-shirt written: I've Been Naija'd. That's definitely me! I loved Lagos and the next time I go I'd love to spend more time and see more of the sites.

 

You Never Know...

You never know when someone

might catch a dream from you.

 Or something you say may open up the windows
of a mind that seeks light;

 The way you live may not matter at all,
But you never know, it might.

And just in case it could be
that another's life, through you,

 might possibly change for the better
with a better and brighter view,

It seems it might be worth a try
at pointing the way to the right;

 Of course, it may not matter at all,
but then again, it might.
-unknown

Top 20 Highlights about Ghana

1. Finally getting to travel Africa with a friend, had an awesome time with my girl Vumi and got to see her view of my beloved Mother Africa. I've often said that Africa seems like my secret lover, I always tell friends how great he is but I still worry that when they meet him they won't see the magic that has me head-over-heels. I can safely say, she saw what it is that has me so in love :)

2. Staying with Cornelius's family, there's always something so valuable about being exposed to families and seeing how they live their lives (as opposed to being at a hotel, after the first 100 hotels, they all feel the same).

3. Meeting Nati. She is a white German lady who was working at one of the hospitals in Accra and staying at the same house as me. My first morning in Accra she made me breakfast and a cup of coffee, such a sweet gesture. Finding out that she takes a bicycle to work each day really touched me, it's cool how she totally embraced the environment.

4. The weather. I absolutely loved the weather in Accra. After leaving what felt like a never-ending winter in Jo'burg, I felt like the warmth in Accra was giving me a much needed hug. It wasn't too hot, just warm enough to make me smile.

5. Meeting Michael. It was incredible to spend hours with a fellow young youth leader who is absolutely devoted to this continent. His experience, humility and the fun we had really made my trip more worthwhile. It felt like meeting a twin-soul.

6. Jollof rice. I loooved it from the first taste! I've always been a fan of spicy food and in Accra I was in heaven! The food was absolutely divine and the rice is my favourite by far :)

7. Tro-Tros (known as taxis in SA). The transport system was very efficient and I loved the taxi rank experiences. Seeing women balancing products on their heads and not to mention the people who would come into the taxi and perform impromptu 'informercials' on their products, sharing the benefits and how lucky you'd be if you got your hands on their products. #Priceless!

8. Labadi Beach Hotel. Vu stayed here for the first 4 days, it was such a pleasure to contrast the 5-star experience and also the real world. From the service, to the food and their super-fast internet at the business centre, I'd highly recommend the place!

9. The entrepreneurial spirit. Everyone in Accra is an entrepreneur! I remember mentioning that I could do all my shopping in rush-hour traffic. From jumper cables, to Scrabble, to onions, to toys, to chocolates to ornaments... It's all there!

10. Ghanaians are VERY religious. I was not prepared for the level of religion that is entrenched in the society. From messages on taxis/cars/busses to the various businesses with Christian names and even this one juice (saw it on a billboard) called Hallelujah.God is definitely a large part of the culture.

11. This wasn't actually about Ghana, but I got to watch a Zulu movie on the plane to Accra. I thought that was pretty awesome. The new planes have a personalised selection where you can choose from movies/series/music/games. Listening to Loliwe as we crossed the Atlantic was pretty cool as well.

12. Getting on a horse on the beach. I don't think I've actually ever been on a horse in my entire life (I can't even ride a bicycle), that was super-cool!

13. Seeing all the dedications to the late president John Atta Mills. Even when we went to Cape Coast, it really felt like the whole country was in mourning for their leader. They even had black and red wrapping on the trees as a symbol that the country was in mourning. I was touched.

14. The reggae beach party. That was in a league of it's own! Being surrounded by rastas, dancing to Bob Marley tracks and just going with the flow...

15. Meeting the president of the IPF party's youth league from Ivory Coast. The highlight of meeting him actually includes others, like how surprising it was to see how much of a sense of humour he has (for someone who's in exile and his country is in turmoil). I can remember a number of GPY moments when I was around him.

16. Bonding with Cornelius's mom. We took a trip to Amasaman together and she stayed with me as I was headed to Bujumbura, I really enjoyed the conversation. On one of the nights, she shared with Vumi and I the various foods available in Ghana and we had yam together. Such a cool lady.

17. My trip to the refugee camp, the trip itself (which included lots of drama with passengers and the driver, and how he just stopped the taxi at some point and went for a walk, leaving us for a good 15 minutes). And getting to the camp. I expected sad, distraught people but when I got there, I found a lot of young people doing the best they can in a tough situation, and a number of 'couples' which was a shock for me and a lot of budding entrepreneurs with shops and stalls, trying to make some money.

18. The people. I loved the kindness and friendliness of Ghanaians. Especially when people heard that  I was from SA, they were always more than willing to help and make sure that my stay was comfortable. That definitely made me feel at home.

19. Going to Cape Coast Castle. The real truth about the slave trade was very emotional for me, but the honesty of it all and how I felt when I realised the role played by fellow Africans, it was heartbreaking yet quite enlightening. Similar to the time when I went to the genocide memorial in Rwanda, I was shocked at the cruelty of human nature. Yet the world is still filled with so much goodness and kindness and beauty, the contrast is amazing...

 

20. The kids. I'm such a sucker for children. I sooo loved coming home and having Hepzibah run up to me and give me a hug whilst screaming: 'Aunty Amanda!' I've never seen my self as particularly maternal, but I so do enjoy the amazing love and acceptance that children show. It's truly a universal attribute...

A Summary of West Africa (2012 Trip)

I came home to the news of the passing of a dear newly found friend. Suddenly so much has shifted. The plan was to share how amazing the trip was, how much fun we had and how much I learnt. But as I sit here now, this is my truth. Life is dear and it is short. Those who shine brightest, too often leave us too soon. To summarise, I felt at home in West Africa, I was embraced by many beautiful friends and surrounded by incredible favour. I'm busy preparing a list of the top 'Wow' moments from my trip and when I'm done I will share them on the blog, yet for now so much of what seemed so important just hours ago, feels insignificant. The few things that remain are the ones that I am now able to feel...

There's this thing about Knowing. When you know you know, you know. Lagos was beyond anything I could have imagined, the madness, the noise, the rush, the grandeur, the energy... the pulse! I saw in that grungy *bad-ass* city, a reflection of me. So many flaws, yet so much achievement and even more hope. I can't begin to describe what it felt like to hear that people have to figure out how they get electricity, their own water and how those in power are only known for taking from the poor to fill their already bulging wallets. I cannot judge, but I can understand. I am in awe of the spirit of Nigerians. People who don't wait for a saviour, but become their own saviours in a dog-eat-dog world. I could relate to that animal instinct, that need to survive no matter what it takes. When you know that you're not meant to live as a slave/peasant, everything within you gives you what you need to survive.

Yesterday I visited Cape Coast in Ghana, and went to Cape Castle. A world renowned slave trading centre for centuries. The triangular trade model had me totally baffled. Europe traded cheap jewellery, rum and weapons with Africa in return for slaves, which were then sold to the Americas for raw materials, which were then processed in Europe for re-sale to the globe. It left such a bitter taste in my mouth to know that Africans sold their own for alcohol, weapons and cheap jewellery? When we were the richest in minerals and resources. As we walked through the dungeons of the slave trade centre, I remember telling my friend Vumi, it's not those who executed this plot that are monsters, but the man who designed this castle so efficiently for it to carry out such monstrocities. The saddest part was hearing that above the largest dungeon there was a church. So, whilst people were dying from malnutrition and mistreatment, above them people were worshipping. I agree with the guide when he said: 'There's never been a cleared depiction of heaven above, and hell below.'

As an advocate for this continent, I always believe in sharing the endless possibilities that abound in Africa. We have hard working people, beautiful landscapes and numerous natural resources. But it would be a shame to not be honest about the truth of what Africa is really like and what these strong and beautiful black people have been through. I'm proud to be African, there's no where else I'd rather be from, yet as a writer, I need to allow the truth to speak for itself.

Accra Nights

At sunset we took a walk on the beach. Of all the subjects, the topic was philosophy. Is there a God? What is love? Is passion a good or bad thing? What do you love? Just among some of the things we had on our minds. It's strange how life brings like-minded souls together. Tonight I spent hours with someone for whom it's taking all they have, to hang on for all they love. How scary is that, twin souls maybe, lost souls likely? We found ourselves imprisoned in each others space, savouring a moment, daring to be open and honest about our reality. This world is a harsh, cruel place. With beautiful strong people, I am blessed to have been where I was tonight, and I am even more in awe of the company I shared...

That is where I become you...(Women's Month Dedication)

Where you have nothing left to give, yet give it with all your heart...
Where he's lied and you know it's a lie but you stay...
Where one more try was a thousand tries ago...
That's where I become you.

Where you dance and lean into ecstatic melodies only known by you...
Where it's all sunshine and rainbows and your heart is full...
Where it's all as it should be and you're finally loved...
That's where I become you.

Where what you give is more than what you should, yet not enough...
Where all you wanna do is say 'I'm done, I'm out' yet you stay...
Where all you are is just misunderstoood and judged...
That's where I become you.

Where North becomes South, Love becomes Hate becomes love...
Where forever becomes never, where just once becomes 'til death us do part...
Where in-and-out of time becomes too much of a commitment to fulfil...
That's where I become you.

I become you when I see you in your glorious splendour,
I become you when I walk with you in your deepest and darkest shame,
I become you when you are both too much and not enough...
That's where I become you.

When we were born, the first word used was..."It's a girl"
I am you, when I'm in my most honest place...
That's where I become you.

The Proverbs 31 Woman... Wow!

Happy Women's Month ladies :)

Be (Author Unknown)

"Do not travel along your path, be your path. Do not search out your journey, be your journey. The universe is waiting to show you the way, you already have the map.We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through.Our purpose is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love, and then we return home”

He heals me.... By India Arie

HE HEALS ME

I told him my biggest secret
And he told me four
He smiled at me and said
That makes me love you more

And then he made me laugh
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man
That I wanted in my life
And with every passing day
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me, he knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me, he knows the real me

And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me, he heals me
I can play him songs all through the night
And he will listen to every line
And even when I'm wrong, he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely
When he tells me I'm not right
And yes, he is a beautiful man
But he is also a beautiful friend

He heals me, he knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me, no

He heals me, he knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me, he heals me

The moment that we met, he made me smile
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he'll be here
A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life
I'm not worried about the future
Because we have such
A wonderful time when we're together
However things turn out, it's all right
'Cause he's already changed my life

He heals me, he knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me, he knows the real me

...and these are only some of the things I believe: by Staceyann Chin

I got this from my friend Flo this morning, it touched my heart!

Imagination is the bridge

between the things we know for sure

and the things we need to believe

when our worlds become unbearable

So I know the way my tongue feels

wrapped around a sliver of East Indian mango

I know it reminds me of a time of giant breadfruit trees

... skinned six year-old knees

and pungent pimento seeds drying on a sheet of galvanized zinc



I know the sounds I make during sex

know them because my lover makes them for me

when she wants to remind me that I am not always in control



I also know if you are black/ male and Mobile America

the police will pull you over- especially

if you drive an expensive car



I know if you speak differently from the rest of the crowd

chances are your contemporaries have already made fun of you



We all know this world is difficult

because we each have to live here

and in this time of schoolboy bullets

biological warfare and kiddie porn

it takes guts to believe in any God

so I practice on believing in the smaller things

till I am able to make room for the rest



I begin with believing there's a Santa Claus

except I believe Saint Nicholas is a holiday transvestite

and I believe in monsters lurking under the bed

because they give our children something to conquer

before the world begins to conquer them



And I believe in the steady inflation of the tooth fairy

donate more than one nickel to that cause

because a dime under a pillow makes it easier

to endure the loss of a molar

prepares for the greater loss of a teacher

or a mother to the NYPD



And I believe in the identity of the Easter Bunny

believe he's the same person as Bugs Bunny

which means being schizophrenic isn't always bad

means when I'm tired of being a black feminist poet

I could go rally for rights of the new age transsexuals

get them an interview with Rosie O'Donell or Oprah

I believe I could find them a few friends right there on Sesame Street

and contrary to popular belief

I believe Bert and Ernie are straight

believe they're just waiting for the right girls to come along

but I believe Kermit the Frog is a closet Dyke

and that's why he has issues with pushy lesbians like Miss Piggy



And I believe most lovers

will lie to you eventually

and though I believe two wrongs don't ever make a right

--sometimes slashing his tires makes you feel better



and I believe Dharma and Greg are funny

but only if they make you laugh

and I believe Pinky and the Brain are revolutionaries

because-every night-they try to take over the world

like them, I believe there will always be something to fight for

and I believe everyone should believe in something

anything - if it helps you make it through the day

so I believe in Ashanti spirits

in spite of what the pragmatists say

I believe in unbelievable phenomena

like telepathy and karmic shape-shifters

crafting futures from the moon

I believe in that elusive world peace

I believe if I believe - it really could come soon

and I believe in unexpected and capricious friendships

I believe in trusting with the tenacity of a fool



And I believe in believing everyday

-and for as long as we can-

I believe we should believe in something we don't know for sure

acknowledge the range of possibilities

unlimited by what we see

move reality with imagination

we decide what our destinies will be

My African Dream...

As it ought to be...

May the writers write, the thinkers think and the talkers talk.
May none dare go beyond their calling towards what is not theirs to do.

May the feelers feel, the artists creatively articulate truth, may leaders lead.

May the jokers joke, the builders build and most importantly, the lovers love.
The fate of Africa lies in our ability to love.

... Love ourselves, our ancestors as much as our great-grandchildren.
As love leads the way, may grace, forgiveness, favour welcome it,

May the truth become more potent than the lie, more powerful.
We have been the wretched of the earth for too long,
Have cried too many tears, have fought way too many wars.

My prayer is that we may we all recognise the true African dream,

Let the talkers talk, the thinkers think and the dreamers dream.

Talk honestly, reflectively and realistically about the real reason we are here.
Dream up a reality more beautiful than our glorious past or wildest Imaginings,
Think up a plan so solid that it will carry us safely into the promised land.

My only wish is that Africans realise their role in their own resurrection,
That they lay down their lives for their emancipation, that they love.

Love their legacy, their fellow man and their inevitable destiny,
Love discipline, love integrity and love their freedom enough to die for it.

But most importantly, that they love themselves enough to know their worth.

21 People I Admire

1. Lindani Mbali Mnyandu. She gets to go first because I see so much of myself in her. She taught me the lesson that it’s okay to be honest to you about you. She’s incredibly succesful, incredibly artistic but on a bad day, she’s okay with saying: ‘I’m not coping.’ It takes a strong person to do that.


2. Thabo Mbeki. Most of my close friends don’t believe I like him, but in all honesty I have a world of respect for the man. I’ve come to admire one single quality he has, having the balls to lead. One of the hardest parts of being a leader is going against your followers to take them where they Need to be, besides their objections.


3. Masoja Msiza. A powerful, honest and genuine artist. Masoja is able to make you laugh, allow you to reflect, bring tears to your eyes… all in the name of art. I have spent years in the company of this artist and his biggest lesson to me has been, Speak Your Truth! He does that beautifully and I love and admire him.


4. Dr Reuel Khoza, Chairman of Nedbank. I’ve engaged with the man on a personal level, one of the biggest influences to my becoming a Pan-Africanist lady with humility and swag on top. He’s written books, conquered the world and he still has time for little people like us to drink from his cup of wisdom. I was so proud of him the day I heard about his comment to the leadership of South Africa. That is one man who walks his talk, for that I admire him.


5. Msizi Khoza. I have never met someone so young, yet a true revolutionary. He never allowed anything to stand in the way of what he knows himself to be. A while back, I dubbed him Mr President. He is committed to excellence and leadership, and he is never afraid to speak his mind when the need arises. I look to him and I realise that in the hands of people like him, the future of Africa will be bright.


6. Thomas Sankara. Ex president of Burkina Faso, a young and focused man who took it upon himself to redefine the future of Africa. Sankara believed in good health, exercise and taking care of the whole being. He also walked the talk, realising that Africans had to be self-sufficient in order to get to where they need to be. Most importantly though, Sankara believed in the empowerment of women, seeing us as having a legitimate role to play in the future of society.


7. My Ugandan bus driver. I must confess I don’t know his name, but I met him on a 9 hour bus ride between Kampala in Uganda, headed for Kigali in Rwanda. A simple man who knew the principles of success who has informed a lot of my decisions since the day I met him. He taught me to be honest, to realise that Africa needs bold leaders, he taught me the importance of family and more often than not, to see that wisdom is not the privilege only available to the elite.


8. My mother. She recently said these words to me: ‘From a young age, I have always wanted to know what lies beyond the horizon, and I’ve gone out to search for it. I’ve never let fear stop me.’ That summarises this lady in the best way, my mother has always instilled in me this belief: Never fear what you do not know, rather learn what it has to teach you about yourself and embrace it!’


9. Ebo Quagraine. He most resembles Barack Obama in my life. Mr ‘Yes We Can’ himself. Ebo has always been the first to drive us to action. A fellow insomniac, he always works beyond the call of duty, believes passionately in the future of Mother Africa, and is always ready to do whatever it takes to raise our continent. I have learnt to love Africa, by seeing his love.


10. Sakhile Mthembu. A twin-soul friend of mine, who taught me to appreciate and value art. Most contemporary artists believe in being commercial but he blessed me with an ear for music. We would leave a party of house music, drive home listening to Corrine Bailey Rae. I learnt to love the art, and to love the truth about what makes music change lives. Kindness is another lesson he taught me, kindness to the self, and more importantly to the harsh & cruel world.


11. Don Ndaba. My first gay friend. I have lived in the shadows of my friend for years and learnt to see the plight of gay people. He never chose his sexual orientation, he never wanted the judgement it came with, but as a man of honour and truth, he has carried the burden it brings. The persecution he’s had to endure has often brought me to tears, but I have loved his brightness, his positive spirit and his ability to shine.


12. Nehemiah. I am in no ways religious, I believe religion is a useful tool that can entrench in most societies a much-needed sense of morality and godliness (whoever we may consider God to be) but I refuse to be labelled religious. Nehemiah was a servant to the King who dared defy the odds and took on the task to restore the glory of Jerusalem. A lot can be learnt from his bravery, his boldness, his sense of duty and commitment to his people. His love is what I admire most, his love for those who needed him.


13. Smangele Linah Mabhida. A strong woman who had to live behind the scenes whilst taking care of her family whilst her legendary husband Moses Mabhida was in exile. Her contentment with being in the background, doing the daily chores whilst her husband was admired and fighting for our country. She is the ultimate heroine and her humility is what I admire most.


14. Katt Williams. I’m short, he’s short and we have a short people thing. Katt is a social commentator behind all of his comedy, he often comments on the need to respect women and to be proud of your roots as a black person. I admire how comedians can teach us important truths that we may not realise or acknowledge.


15. Cambridge Mokanyane. He was the head of the top 2010 world cup campaign according to FIFA, run by MTN. In the time I’ve known the man, I’ve realised how exceptionally brilliant he is. He feels his way through life, is able to drive excellence based on instinct and has always excelled. Excellence is a choice, and he’s always made the right one. From St Albans, to Unilever, to SAB, to MTN and to sport. As a fellow marketer, he taught me the golden rule to marketing: Delight The Consumer!


16. Winnie Mandela. She’s bad ass, and beautiful. Similar to Mam’ Mabhida, she had to do the best in an exceptionally difficult situation, she carried the role like a soldier and dared to speak out against all the atrocities of the era. I also like that she’s not squeaky clean. Angels rarely make history.


17. Lady Diana. Brenda Fassie. Lebo Mathosa. The world tends to dictate how we should be as women and these women refused to be reduced to other people’s perceptions. They excelled, lived and died as heroines.


18. Shaka Zulu. The man was a genius, very strategic and very resilient. He loved hard and he built something great that we’re still proud of to this day. Like him, I’d love to live forever through my achievements.


19. Flo Mokale. The ultimate artist. Give him a word, he’ll give you poetry, give him a camera he will make beautiful art, give him a stage he’ll bring tears to your eyes. I have been in awe of Flo for many years and underneath all of that, he’s incredibly funny. The best people in life have a great sense of humour.


20. Farah Hukamdad, my ex boss. She’s young at heart, and she lives straight from it. She gets excited, passionate, angry, delighted. There’s nothing mediocre about her. I never want to lose my passion for life, just like her I want to honour my heart every day that I live.


21. Slindile Didiza. I had to save the best for last. When I love someone, I find it hard to summarise my admiration for them. Sli and I have been friends for almost a decade. She has all the combinations of a heroine. Immense strength, humility and the ability to be graceful through the storm. I love her ability to love, think and process things before bringing emotions into it all, she’s taught me to be graceful through the storms of life, a lesson I really needed to learn.

Sanskrit Mantra

Step by step

At every step
There lies waiting...
Quite still
That which is appropriate to THAT step

Celebrating A Friend's Life

 

 

When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter.

As you see him you will see yourself.
As you treat him you will treat yourself.
As you think of him you will think of yourself.
Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself, or lose yourself.
~ Acim

An Afrikaans guy named Peter

On Wednesday I had the most incredible conversation with a 69 year old Afrikaans guy. His name is Peter. We were discussing politics, family, what our country needs and for the most part, who we are. I don't know who first came up with this quote, but our conversation made me think of it "One of the problems with society is that too often blacks and whites overestimate the others desire to do them harm."  He was very honest about how apartheid worked in his favour, interestingly enough he grew up on one of the farms in KZN near my grandmothers house. I was there this December and driving past all the farms I couldn't help but think of Malema's nationalisation ideas. The Dlamini family has been living in that area for more than 100 years, but the farmland is still owned by white people. Back to Peter. He found me at this restaurant reading Mbeki's A Dream Deferred and asked if he could take a seat at my table. Immediately after he sat down we got to chatting. He asked me what I thought of the book and told me about Macintosh Polela's book, I should definitely get a copy. A very interesting thing that Peter said was that he thinks Malema's has a great skill of influencing people. If he only had the guidance and direction. He could be an influential driver to inspire young people to take control for their lives. I was touched when he shared with me the story of his sons suicide. It was a heart-breaking story that showed his humanity and vulnerability. More so when he spoke of how his other children and brother have left the continent. When he'd first sat down all I'd seen was a white old man, but as he said farewell I was touched by how little I often consider the "humanity" of those we see as white and privileged. The highlight of my day was when, as he walked away,Peter said: "Amanda, we need more people like you in this country."

The Meaning of Life (Part 3)

This is a speech taken from one of my favourite movies: 'Life of David Gale'

You get Lacan's point.


Fantasies have to be unrealistic...

Because the moment... the second...

that you get what you seek...


you don't...

you can't want it anymore.

In order to continue to exist...


desire must have its objects

perpetually absent.


It's not the "it" that you want.

It's the fantasy of"it."


- So, desire supports crazy fantasies.


This is what Pascal means when he says

that we are only truly happy...


when daydreaming

about future happiness.


- Or why we say...


the hunt is sweeter

than the kill.


Or be careful what you wish for,

not because you'll get it...


but because you're doomed

not to want it once you do.


So the lesson of Lacan is,

living by your wants

will never make you happy.


What it means to be fully human is

to strive to live by ideas and ideals...


and not to measure your life

by what you've attained

in terms of your desires...


but those small moments

of integrity, compassion...

rationality, even self-sacrifice.

Because in the end, the only way

that we can measure the

significance of our own lives...

is by valuing the lives of others.

Apolitical Intellectuals

One day
the apolitical
intellectuals
of my country
will be interrogated
by the simplest
of our people.

They will be asked
what they did
when their nation died out
slowly,
like a sweet fire
small and alone.

No one will ask them
about their dress,
their long siestas
after lunch,
no one will want to know
about their sterile combats
with "the idea
of the nothing"
no one will care about
their higher financial learning.

They won't be questioned
on Greek mythology,
or regarding their self-disgust
when someone within them
begins to die
the coward's death.

They'll be asked nothing
about their absurd
justifications,
born in the shadow
of the total lie.

On that day
the simple men will come.

Those who had no place
in the books and poems
of the apolitical intellectuals,
but daily delivered
their bread and milk,
their tortillas and eggs,
those who drove their cars,
who cared for their dogs and gardens
and worked for them,
and they'll ask:

"What did you do when the poor
suffered, when tenderness
and life
burned out of them?"

Apolitical intellectuals
of my sweet country,
you will not be able to answer.

A vulture of silence
will eat your gut.

Your own misery
will pick at your soul.

And you will be mute in your shame.

(Otto Rene Castillo)

An Interesting Lesson

There once was a man walking down a deserted street in a beautiful, leafy suburb. The place had nice homes with big gardens and front porches. As he was walking towards one of the houses, he heard the sound of a dog making painful whimpering noises. He walked to the gate and saw a man on a rocking chair, right next to the dog. The dog seemed to be in excruciating pain, but the owner didn’t even seem bothered. Our guy was upset, he couldn’t believe that the owner was ignoring the dogs pain. He walked up to the man on the rocking chair and confronted him.

‘Is this your dog?’,

‘Yep, it’s my dog, can I help you?’

‘Well, can’t you see he’s in pain. What’s wrong with him’,

‘Oh, he’s sitting on a nail’

‘What?! Why isn’t he moving off since it’s hurting him so much?’

‘I guess, he’s not in enough pain yet...’

The man turned around and walked away

Africa Rise!

The fragile are not the weakest,
The smallest are not the least,
The unheard are not the voiceless...

(A vision for FTM)

Move (By Simba Rupare)

It will happen when you are in an open field of complacency
When you do not take note of your feet compressing the ground
Not being self-concious of your breathing
Confident that your heart will keep on beating.

And when that times comes,
It blasts you like a storm
A gatharing storm with an angry blackness.
It will take you by surprise, and when it does, you will have no choice but to fight.

When you are against the wall, unable to move
Unable to speak, unable to run
You will gather the strength from your hunter ancestors
You will have that strength that will whisper 'I need to live'.

This moment doesn't discriminate.
Nor does it feel sorry for your pain.
It shows no mercy,
Unless you are will to die for it.

Stuck and paralysed you remember one thing.
The one thing that will make all the difference.
You begin to MOVE.
You begin to SHIFT.

The blast lessesens, and your ambitions rise
Your need to live survives.
You know this time had to come.
And when you did, you never forgot to MOVE!!!!