How Aids Has Affected Me...

I can't believe I found this, after 7 years! This is an essay that I wrote for a Natal Witness essay competition in 2001. I won the competition and got it published in the paper...




"It was bright and sunny that day, the perfect day for a wedding. She was the first one of us to get married. We were proud. My brothers scraped every last cent from their wallets. My father wanted everything to be perfect. We were all together for the first time in years, we were a real family, united and happy. She radiated beauty and womanliness; my beloved sister had found true happiness.
I liked my brother-in-law, he looked like a good man and he treated her well. We all thought they would live happily ever after. After all, every cloud has a silver lining, right? My sisters life has had it's fair share of dark clouds, from the time when she was born and my father denied she was his, to when her mother had died in the floods of '95. She was a strong woman though, a real survivor. I loved her and I wanted this day to be extra special. It was. She rode out of the church with her new husband on her arm. We cheered, clapped and ululated. It was a happy ending, so we thought.
Two months later, on a cool windy Thursday, my mother received a call. My sister's husband was in hospital. Nothing major, just a recurring headache. I had no reason to worry I was reassured. But it was at that moment that I knew something was wrong. My family is always trying to protect me from things. They think just because I am the youngest I won't understand.
To a certain extent I don't understand, I don't want to understand. I should not have to understand. The worst thing was finding out. Like everyone who's never been faced with this situation, I made fun of it. I was just commenting on how everywhere you turn, there is a warning about HIV/AIDS. I might have said something like, "who cares how many people die of Aids everyday, they should know better." I cringe when I think of how insensitive and just blatantly cruel I was being. My mother asked me this: Would I still feel the same way if someone I was close to got infected? I said I would. Then she said "your sister's got it".
I was stunned. I thought about it, tried to make sense of her words, but I couldn't let myself believe it. I felt the ground beneath my feet crumble. I wanted, I needed to cry, but I couldn't. Instead I got angry. At her for letting this happen, at myself for loving her too much and even at God for taking my sister too soon. She would miss out on so much, and why, for what? For love? I didn't believe in love anymore. Everyone seems to believe that love is the answer - love conquers all. Well, let's see it conquer this. Nothing has managed to conquer Aids, not love, not medicine, not anything. It is love's fault that I'm losing my sister. She means the world to me. I love her so much it hurts. I wish I could take her place. She has so much more to live for; her presence is much more valued.
This is how I felt for a long time. But then one day, it hit me; she's not gone yet. I realized I would have to let God's will be done if I were to keep my sanity. I had to be there for my sister, after all she was suffering more than me. I had to stand by her to the bitter end.
Looking back on my sister's wedding day I can understand why she was glowing and radiant. Somehow she must have known that those smiles, cheers and ululation meant she was loved. A true uncircumstantial love that would give her the strength and reason to fight, even when things looked and seemed dark and hopeless. I realize that my sister's being infected with the HI virus has taught me. It has taught me to love, in word and in deed.
Me and my sister's relationship has survived the greatest test and I am proud to say that even in death, God is with us."